Shout out to a lovely lady! *this post contains some photos that are a bit racy, but no nudity*

So as we all know, I had a rough year. As a woman - I can say there are certain things that help identify beauty, in my eyes... and I am sure many other ladies out there can relate.

 Beauty, Femininity, Desirability, Acceptance, Confidence, Empowerment.

As vain as it can sound, us girls have certain physical features that help us feel beautiful, sexy, desirable. It is our fingerprint to being who we are. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was told some of those very things would be taken  away. Some for a short time, some for a long time, and some, Permanently.

My hair, eyebrows and eyelashes. The very things that I took for granted. Gone. I couldn't enjoy the breeze in my hair....And doing makeup was certainly a harder and more challenging art than it used to be. But I learned . Did I miss my eyelashes and brows - abso-freaking-lutely.  My bald head was covered with a wig. Most people had no clue that inside I was crying, hurting, struggling with a sadness. Along with the makeup that I painted on each day, I had to paint a smile on my face as well.

The worst news (besides the cancer itself) was that I would lose my entire breast. Some people may not understand, but as I type this very sentence tears are rolling down my cheeks. It was a part of me , of my body. It is widely seen as a symbol of being a Woman, of feeling Sexy. And it was about to be gone.

So, I was talking to my extremely talented make-up artist turned friend Brittany. She was such a sweetheart, and she listened and I told her how I was thinking of capturing my breasts together for the last time (haha) in a photo shoot. I have always been kind of modest. So for the first time in my life - I had a "what the hell , why not" kind of attitude. Brittany said that she would put me in touch with her friend Sarah at Posh Portraits. I did not know this at the time , but just like Brittany, God was about to bring a beautiful and amazing woman into my life.

Sarah not only wanted to capture this very emotional moment for me, but she did not charge a thing....She knew first hand how devastating Cancer could be first-hand. Her Beautiful mother also battled cancer and is a beautiful survivor!

When I went to my session, I was terribly nervous. I had just had a baby less than 4 months prior. However, because of the horrible chemo - my body was pretty much back to pre pregnancy! I can honestly say, Sarah was still super sensitive and understanding of how nervous I felt. She was very professional, and so patient with me. It had been years since I was behind a camera - and I had never posed topless before either.

The beautiful Brittany showed up to paint my face - I felt so pretty....I swear every time this woman touches my face, amazing things happen!!!!

The most amazing thing about Sarah , is that even though I had never met her before she made me feel like I had known her. She was easy to talk to . Such an easygoing and lovely soul. She asked me if I had felt comfortable doing a few pictures WITHOUT my wig. I thought to myself  " Oh my God , NO...Absolutely not"  I responded with...."Eh, I'm not so sure" She talked to me while I got my makeup done and after speaking with her and Brittany I decided to do it. They were right. After everything I had went through, my hair was a milestone too. It was a once in a lifetime thing, and why not rock it?

So now that you have read my novel, with the permission of my understanding husband ( who received a book with ALL of the photos in it ) I am going to share some of the pictures. These Photos mean the world to me . It is hard to look down and realize my breast is gone. But this experience, it helped me . It gave me closure. It gave me confidence. It gave me back all of those things I thought that I was losing.  And now, I feel like a beautiful woman, even without my breast.

So, I know I have thanked Sarah at Posh Portraits for these photos. But I want to publicly thank her. I do not think that she realizes how hard this was for me . I also do not think she realizes how truly therapeutic and magical this was. It was a memory that I now have documented. I can always look back at everything, and think....I did it . I made it through. And I am even MORE of a woman for that !

Thank you Sarah! You are an Angel!

How Cancer made me Selfish

Pretty powerful caption there huh?

Let me explain before you jump to conclusions. I always tried so hard. Tried to live my life to please others. Tried to be a great friend. I wanted to be everything to everyone. I would bend over backward and give someone the shirt off of my back. I cared what others thought of me . And all the while, I never truly took care of myself. I felt so lonely. I desperately held on to friendships and relationships because I wanted to be wanted. I yearned for that social acceptance .... I lost myself. Even after I had Olivia, I tried so hard.  Even when people were mistreating me over and over again,  I brushed it under the rug . After all,  these people cared about me right? Eh......

Then Cancer hit me. It came in like a lion and out like a lamb. Suddenly , I started to realize that maybe some people were not as genuine as I had hoped. When you see the truth right in front of you....there's no Denying it. And so I became selfish. Yes, That's right. For so long I was doing everything oh so wrong. I needed to focus on myself. That Colleen I had known for so long had finally begun to find herself.

So, for the first time ever - I took a step back And did some soul searching.  It was that  "a-ha moment" . It was like having bad vision and then all of a sudden I put on glasses . Everything became clearer.

When you confide in someone as a friend or loved one, you hope that they can look at you with understanding and compassion. So, when I told 3 people (whom I thought cared for me) about my side effects from chemotherapy the last thing I expected for them to do was - Talk about me behind my back to multiple people and say I was pulling the cancer card (whatever the hell that is) or trying to downplay and mock what I went through. To tell me I only cared about myself. Or that I used cancer as an excuse.

Shame on them. I never asked for this to happen. I wish I never would have gotten sick. It brought out so much ugly around me. But it also clarified things and made me stronger than I ever imagined.

I do not know what  I ever did to deserve to be treated this way. And I wish I never confided in anyone. I felt very alone through this.  I never even told them everything ...thank god. I never told them how I did not know if I would make it to see next year. Or how my doctors never promised to cure me. There are so many things they never knew that happened....and now they never will. Once trust is shattered,  it can never be fixed.

" I was thinking that you could be trusted

Did you have to ruin?
What was shiny, now it’s all rusted
Did you have to hit me?
Where I’m weak, baby, I couldn’t breath
And rub it in so deep
Salt in the wound, like you’re laughing right at me
Oh, it so sad to think about the good times

Did you think we’d we be fine?
Still got scars on my back from your knives
So don’t think it’s in the past
These kind of wounds, they last and they last
Now, did you think it all through?
All these things will catch up to you
And time can heal, but this won’t
So if you come in my way, just don’t

Band aids don’t fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show....."

I can tell you one thing though....I only trust my best friend , my husband. He has been my rock. He has seen everything . He is amazing. We have been through hell and back and still remain in love and stronger than ever.

So yes , I am indeed Selfish. Because I chose to put MY health. MY Babies, and MY Husband FIRST. Everything else is secondary. Because when you see through my eyes what I saw, I guarantee you that your whole perspective would change...When you suddenly realize that you could lose everything you worked so hard for....something you love more than life itself, your number one priority and objective is to make sure you stay . In other words - I could not imagine leaving my babies and husband. I love them more than life itself.

So sometimes being called selfish is a compliment, rather than an insult.

Lots of thoughts - part 2

A lot of people have asked me for a health update..... it is hard for me to share this because a year and a half later I am still dealing with some of them. I want to raise awareness that just because the chemo and radiation are over,  it doesn't mean the sickness is gone.

I have what they call neuropathy in my feet and toes. It is a constant stabbing pain that worsens if I am on my feet for more than 20 to 30 minutes. By the end of the day, it feels like someone is trying to rip my toenails out . I have tried different medications and so far none have been able to alleviate the pain. 

I am still getting cancer treatments called herceptin. They hook me up to an iv for an hour and administer the drug. It causes bone pain and nausea . I receive this every 3 weeks . I am glad to say that I am almost done with these!

About a month before we had to move , I was experiencing chest pain. We thought that it was all from stress . Unfortunately,  it was more. An echocardiogram revealed there was fluid on my heart. Most likely a result from the herceptin.

I am now on tamoxifen for 10 years. It has some nasty side effects, but it looks can save me from a recurrence of cancer. Since it was stage 3 and moved into my lymph nodes they want to make sure I am doing everything in my power to prevent it from coming back.We have also talked about shutting my ovaries down too. So that is definitely a possibility in the near future. 

I still have a tissue expander implant in my left breast. It is constantly hurting. I have had this since October, and I cannot wait to get rid of it. On July 13th I will have surgery to remove  and replace it with a normal implant. I am so excited to finally get rid of this pain. I will also be getting surgery on my right breast so that it will match the other one . I will not be able to lift my babies for 3 weeks.  I remember how hard that was. My husband will have to take off work for at least 1 week.

Most nights, I lie in bed for an hour unable to sleep because of the pain. But the most important thing is that I am here. I'm so thankful and beyond blessed to be here. To see my darling little girls every day.  To kiss my handsome husband good night.  That's the reason I keep pushing through. To hear the giggles and sweet little words coming from my daughters. One day, this will all be a bad memory.  I will be more focused on watching these precious girls grow up, and less focused on cancer.

I have learned a valuable lesson through all of this. Love conquers all. The unconditional love from my husband and children have helped me through the darkest of days.  My family and friends around me have given me the strength to face each day with a new found respect for life and every single moment. It is a blessing to be here. It is a privilege to have such great people around me. The good things out weigh the bad. After the rain comes the rainbow. And I am so very excited for the future. 

I continue to be thankful for everyone who has helped us. I love you and appreciate your continued presence in our family's journey. May God bless each and every one of you.

Lots of Thoughts - Part1

To say I have been neglecting my blog is an understatement....I have had A LOT to reflect on the past several months. I tend to over think everything....Which is why I have taken my time in writing. I came across this picture recently, and it touched me deeply. It hit home on the very reason I changed a lot about my life , and the people that I chose to surround me:

You see, when you help someone in need who is hurting - It is so very wrong to bash them publicly, to kick them when they are down. Anger and Bitterness can surely cause such an ugly and detrimental path of destruction. I can spend my whole blog entry spewing nasty blows against those who have hurt me. One person's Lie caused so many horrible and unforgivable chain reactions. I made the huge mistake of trusting her and letting her back into my life . I was vulnerable, and just found out I had Cancer. Even when very sick , and not knowing if I could be cured - this person lied about me, pretended to be my friend, and lied to people I thought were genuine. And in turn, those people believed her lies, and turned away. They kicked me when I was down. They knew I was hurting and abandoned our friendship, and chose to say hurtful things. Some even mocked my pain and said some of the most horrible things ever. They still are doing it 5 months later.  BUT, through all of this , I remained silent. I could not sink to that level of anger and ugliness. I really want to thank the very person who started this. Just when I thought life couldn't get worse , it did....for a small period of time. But every hurricane must cease. and the skies clear. I found myself. I saw what (and who) was around me and all of a sudden, this dark fog lifted. The clouds parted  and the sunshine came out. The birds began to sing the loveliest melodies. I may have ended a couple friendships, but it was for the BEST. I want those surrounding me to want to be there. You shouldn't have to beg people to be a part of your life , they should want to be there. I am so very happy now. I have a small circle of friends who have been there for me and lifted me up through this. Life is too short to hang on to things that drag us down. I decide to be happy and handle it with grace and class . I want to forgive them, and I want to move forward.

You didn't think I was going to make my blog about negative things the whole page, did you? So many amazing things happening for the Garvin family. I was going to make my blog private...but I am not going to let others change me in sharing my story. So, If you hate me that much and still want to creep on my life - have at it!

So, we had to leave our house that we were renting. My dear husband and I were thinking "Let's Buy a House" We were aligned with an amazing realtor and mortgage loan guy....It was a very nerve wracking couple of months, but we did it! They even came to me because I wasn't feeling well to sign the closing paperwork! We found a charming 4 bedroom home with a huge fenced in back yard perfect for our little family. It has a big swing set. When Olivia first saw it she just kept saying "I have my own Playground" ! She is so happy. To see how happy my babies and husband are is the greatest gift. We have a HOME. It is Ours . And it feels so right!

We have a pet Chipmunk here too!!

Sweet Bathroom!

Back Yard / Patio area

I have the most gorgeous lilacs

Purple too!

Loves her Playground!! Were fixing it up too!

Looking at the deer!!

I decided to take some photography classes and buy a pro camera, and follow my dreams of becoming a photographer. I am still taking some classes and need a lot of practice. I have 2 little ladies who are awesome and I am practicing with them first. It will take a few years, But I hope to  start a business and make it a career when I am healthy. Here are a few pictures .....Copyrighted and please give credit if you share....

Sneek Peek...Olivias 3 year session

Chill in the Air....

November, December, and January have no doubt brought a chill .... It has been one roller coaster of a ride - that is for sure. This journey that I have faced has be quite challenging physically and emotionally. I should not at all feel like I have to hold back from expressing my emotions. My pain and sadness should not be mocked or downplayed. To some looking in from the outside, you will never understand. I will never be the type of person to criticize someones suffering - especially now. I wish I could elaborate, but I have been through enough .  I have learned a lot about life - and all of my knowledge will prepare me for the future and will make me a better person. My family will move on and grow, we will overcome all obstacles and persevere.

November was our sweet Sophia's first Thanksgiving at Grammy Vallo's House- Everyone had a fabulous time, and full bellies!:

December was overall a heartwarming month. The Cleveland Browns gave Brian and I  the VIP  treatment. They spoiled us with parking passes, Field Access, and some pretty good seats. The weather was mild for December (50 degrees). We had so much fun as we were escorted to the field to watch the players warm up and practice!

We also gained a new member to our family.....Ella from the north pole:

Christmas was amazing. We received such an outpouring of love from Seidman Cancer Center as they surprised us by adopting our family- and delivered 4 large boxes full of gifts to our home the week before Christmas. We received tons of toys and clothes for the girls. They even spoiled Mama and Daddy with gift cards to go out to eat and clothes / assorted gifts. We hope that one day we can pay it forward and adopt a family too! Words cannot express the love we have for them and for my Social worker Eileen who has been more of a friend than anything !!

It was one of those Christmas moments I had always dreamed of ..... Presents stacked so high you couldn't see the bottom of the tree. The pitter patter of tiny feet sprinting toward the tree all starry eyed and full of excitement! Squeals of pure delight and awe over the massive amount of presents......The presents just seemed to keep coming. The happiness between the kids and Brian and I was overwhelming. Brian and I beaming with pride. Even sweet little Sophia was wide eyed and happy! Olivia loved her Lovebird Pair that mama worked so hard to find and get !  

Auntie got us a 1 year Cleveland Zoo membership!!!

 Most importantly ....we were together.I will never again take another holiday, birthday, anniversary, ANY DAY for granted.