How Cancer made me Selfish

Pretty powerful caption there huh?

Let me explain before you jump to conclusions. I always tried so hard. Tried to live my life to please others. Tried to be a great friend. I wanted to be everything to everyone. I would bend over backward and give someone the shirt off of my back. I cared what others thought of me . And all the while, I never truly took care of myself. I felt so lonely. I desperately held on to friendships and relationships because I wanted to be wanted. I yearned for that social acceptance .... I lost myself. Even after I had Olivia, I tried so hard.  Even when people were mistreating me over and over again,  I brushed it under the rug . After all,  these people cared about me right? Eh......

Then Cancer hit me. It came in like a lion and out like a lamb. Suddenly , I started to realize that maybe some people were not as genuine as I had hoped. When you see the truth right in front of you....there's no Denying it. And so I became selfish. Yes, That's right. For so long I was doing everything oh so wrong. I needed to focus on myself. That Colleen I had known for so long had finally begun to find herself.

So, for the first time ever - I took a step back And did some soul searching.  It was that  "a-ha moment" . It was like having bad vision and then all of a sudden I put on glasses . Everything became clearer.

When you confide in someone as a friend or loved one, you hope that they can look at you with understanding and compassion. So, when I told 3 people (whom I thought cared for me) about my side effects from chemotherapy the last thing I expected for them to do was - Talk about me behind my back to multiple people and say I was pulling the cancer card (whatever the hell that is) or trying to downplay and mock what I went through. To tell me I only cared about myself. Or that I used cancer as an excuse.

Shame on them. I never asked for this to happen. I wish I never would have gotten sick. It brought out so much ugly around me. But it also clarified things and made me stronger than I ever imagined.

I do not know what  I ever did to deserve to be treated this way. And I wish I never confided in anyone. I felt very alone through this.  I never even told them everything ...thank god. I never told them how I did not know if I would make it to see next year. Or how my doctors never promised to cure me. There are so many things they never knew that happened....and now they never will. Once trust is shattered,  it can never be fixed.

" I was thinking that you could be trusted

Did you have to ruin?
What was shiny, now it’s all rusted
Did you have to hit me?
Where I’m weak, baby, I couldn’t breath
And rub it in so deep
Salt in the wound, like you’re laughing right at me
Oh, it so sad to think about the good times

Did you think we’d we be fine?
Still got scars on my back from your knives
So don’t think it’s in the past
These kind of wounds, they last and they last
Now, did you think it all through?
All these things will catch up to you
And time can heal, but this won’t
So if you come in my way, just don’t

Band aids don’t fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show....."

I can tell you one thing though....I only trust my best friend , my husband. He has been my rock. He has seen everything . He is amazing. We have been through hell and back and still remain in love and stronger than ever.

So yes , I am indeed Selfish. Because I chose to put MY health. MY Babies, and MY Husband FIRST. Everything else is secondary. Because when you see through my eyes what I saw, I guarantee you that your whole perspective would change...When you suddenly realize that you could lose everything you worked so hard for....something you love more than life itself, your number one priority and objective is to make sure you stay . In other words - I could not imagine leaving my babies and husband. I love them more than life itself.

So sometimes being called selfish is a compliment, rather than an insult.