As I lie awake at almost 1 am. I think of you. Just an hour ago I was crying....crying for you. For us. For our little family that has been through so much since March .
Brian....you have loved me unconditionally. When you held my hands and looked into my eyes and said "for better or worse" You really had no idea what you were getting into. My heart aches for you. You work so hard every day only to come home take a nap and then help with the babies. You never go to the bar or have a night out . You sacrifice so much. You have loved me and taken care of me at my sickest for months and months. I am so sorry that I have / had cancer. Cancer not only broke me, but it hurt us. It took a lot of happiness away. I am so sorry I lost that sparkle in my eyes. But i promise you , it will return. I Will smile again. We will persevere. We will look back at this dark nightmare and it will be a bad memory .
My dearest Olivia....You are so smart ....and sweet....and funny. I'm so sorry you have to see mama cry sometimes. But when you catch me crying I always force myself to laugh and say "haha just kidding" You look so confused but then giggle along. I love you and you are too innocent to comprehend the pain . I don't ever want you to witness that. I'm sorry I can't always carry you or walk with you. Sometimes mama is tired and hurting. But do not worry- one day soon I will scoop you up and run around the yard and play with you. You will forget about mama's silly sad tears and giggle all day long with me.
My little blue eyes...Sophia. I am so sorry that I couldn't hold you as much as I wanted to. But know this my sweet girl: Even when it hurt my body I had to hold you. I carried you for 9 months, Surely I could not go without it. I would hold you and hum sweet lullabies pretending nothing bad ever happened to our family. You would gaze into my eyes and smile and would reach your tiny hand up to graze my face. My tears would fall like rain. But like any storm this one will go away.
To my husband and babies....I love you.I am certainly not ready to leave you. I'm just getting the hang of this wife and mommy thing. Every breath that I take is for you. You are my world. I need you more than you need me please know that.
I sorry this all happened. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
I love you. I live for you. You are my everything!
Monday, December 8, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
Reflection....
Well... It has been a long 7 months.
I cannot put into words the heartache, and joy that my family and I have endured.
I feel the need to reflect on the moments - both happy and sad. For even the tragic and trying moments have made me the new woman , mom, and wife that I am today. Please excuse my grammar, as I am so overwhelmed with emotion as I type this. Just thinking about it makes me tear up.
In March I was almost 7 months pregnant and Brian , Olivia and I were so happy and excited. We were preparing to welcome our sweet little Sophia into the world. I knew in the back of my mind after a breast ultrasound and biopsy that my life was going to change...and it did.
I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Invasive Breast Cancer. It was aggressive and needed to be treated immediately. A week later, I had to do the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I had to get Chemotherapy while pregnant. I had to expose my healthy baby to toxins and chemicals. I will never forget the ride to Seidman Cancer center. I will never forget sobbing uncontrollably. I will never forget my body trembling with fear. Or my husband trying to comfort me, when I saw the sincere sadness, pain , and fear in his eyes as well.
I made it through. We made it through. I lost my hair, eyelashes , eyebrows...I had no energy. Some days I honestly felt like I was dying from the drugs they were giving me to rid this horrible cancer. I could not hold my babies, I could not walk or run with them . I watched them play outside as I sobbed, my heart hurting just as much as my body - because I could not be there physically for them like I had wanted to.I decided that I did not want to have a third round of chemotherapy while pregnant. My doctors advised if I went that route, they would need to induce me a few weeks early. I agreed, as I did not want to put my sweet baby through any more than she had already been through. Sweet Sophia was born with no complications from the chemo, Thank God....Our prayers were answered!
After Sophia was born, I had to endure a different and even worse type of chemo that really took a toll on my body. But my children gave me hope. Even on the darkest of days, knowing what I was doing - saving my life - was worth it. I swear my children's laughter and smiles, My husbands support and love - those are the main things that really helped me push through. I finally completed my Chemo, and was ready for the next step....
Chemo is a very ugly thing. It sucks the life out of you. It steals everything from you. But I chose to be as happy as I could. Underneath my wig - was a bald head. Many ask me why did I not go out bald like so many others do? My answer was simple.... Because, that's not "me" . I would not allow cancer to take away my right to feel pretty. And if a wig allowed me to look and feel myself, then that is what I wanted to do. Yes , I wear makeup and false eyelashes. Cancer may make me feel sick...But I refuse to look sick!
After chemo, my next step was a mastectomy and dissection. It took place on October 6th 2014. I was terrified. But it had to be done. It was removing the cancer that was trying to kill me. My Husband needed me, My babies needed me , and I NEEDED THEM! I made it through. And even had a surprise visit from some of the Cleveland Browns the day after surgery
I still have to go through 5 to 6 weeks of radiation...and another surgery. But I know that as difficult as this journey has, and will be I will get through it. I have faith in God. I have a Loving Supportive husband, and 2 Beautiful little girls.....
Here are a few Happy pictures of Brian, Olivia and Sophia (and me too)
I cannot put into words the heartache, and joy that my family and I have endured.
I feel the need to reflect on the moments - both happy and sad. For even the tragic and trying moments have made me the new woman , mom, and wife that I am today. Please excuse my grammar, as I am so overwhelmed with emotion as I type this. Just thinking about it makes me tear up.
In March I was almost 7 months pregnant and Brian , Olivia and I were so happy and excited. We were preparing to welcome our sweet little Sophia into the world. I knew in the back of my mind after a breast ultrasound and biopsy that my life was going to change...and it did.
I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Invasive Breast Cancer. It was aggressive and needed to be treated immediately. A week later, I had to do the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I had to get Chemotherapy while pregnant. I had to expose my healthy baby to toxins and chemicals. I will never forget the ride to Seidman Cancer center. I will never forget sobbing uncontrollably. I will never forget my body trembling with fear. Or my husband trying to comfort me, when I saw the sincere sadness, pain , and fear in his eyes as well.
I made it through. We made it through. I lost my hair, eyelashes , eyebrows...I had no energy. Some days I honestly felt like I was dying from the drugs they were giving me to rid this horrible cancer. I could not hold my babies, I could not walk or run with them . I watched them play outside as I sobbed, my heart hurting just as much as my body - because I could not be there physically for them like I had wanted to.I decided that I did not want to have a third round of chemotherapy while pregnant. My doctors advised if I went that route, they would need to induce me a few weeks early. I agreed, as I did not want to put my sweet baby through any more than she had already been through. Sweet Sophia was born with no complications from the chemo, Thank God....Our prayers were answered!
After Sophia was born, I had to endure a different and even worse type of chemo that really took a toll on my body. But my children gave me hope. Even on the darkest of days, knowing what I was doing - saving my life - was worth it. I swear my children's laughter and smiles, My husbands support and love - those are the main things that really helped me push through. I finally completed my Chemo, and was ready for the next step....
Chemo is a very ugly thing. It sucks the life out of you. It steals everything from you. But I chose to be as happy as I could. Underneath my wig - was a bald head. Many ask me why did I not go out bald like so many others do? My answer was simple.... Because, that's not "me" . I would not allow cancer to take away my right to feel pretty. And if a wig allowed me to look and feel myself, then that is what I wanted to do. Yes , I wear makeup and false eyelashes. Cancer may make me feel sick...But I refuse to look sick!
After chemo, my next step was a mastectomy and dissection. It took place on October 6th 2014. I was terrified. But it had to be done. It was removing the cancer that was trying to kill me. My Husband needed me, My babies needed me , and I NEEDED THEM! I made it through. And even had a surprise visit from some of the Cleveland Browns the day after surgery
I still have to go through 5 to 6 weeks of radiation...and another surgery. But I know that as difficult as this journey has, and will be I will get through it. I have faith in God. I have a Loving Supportive husband, and 2 Beautiful little girls.....
Here are a few Happy pictures of Brian, Olivia and Sophia (and me too)
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Angels among us....
I wanted to take some time out to thank the "Angels Among Us"
I have created that title for the people who have recently done some very nice things for our family in the past month. Angels do not just grace the clouds up in heaven....but also the green ground here on earth.
After becoming sick with cancer, I have missed out on doing yard work and planting flowers. Our yard had become overgrown with some pretty nasty weeds. The kind that take months to get rid of. Our awesome friends and family came over a few months back and spent all day removing the weeds. We were so thankful to everyone who helped, and that the weeds were gone! But unfortunately , they came back with a vengeance. Literally, twice as bad. I could not stand to look out of the window. It was such a sight for sore eyes. My social worker Eileen at Seidman had mentioned a few options to me .
The one that stuck out was calling Tri-C's horticulture department. Tri C is a local community college. I spoke with Greg Malone, head of the department. He was very nice and said he would see what he could do....he called me back and informed me that he had a group of students / staff that were willing to come out and help . He stopped by to assess our weed garden. He said it was not that bad ( I know he was trying to be nice) and assured me that they could get it done in a few hours. I was so happy.
The crew arrived bright and early on Saturday August 2nd. I was very sick from chemotherapy. I was told that I may have to go to the ER, but after a couple phone conversations with the on call doctor I was told to go to Urgent Care by the next day for testing, and that would be sufficient. As soon as I saw the amazing group of people working on my yard, I felt a little better. It took my mind off of the sickness. We bought them some Jack Frost Donuts to give them a sweet surge of energy. For those few souls who have not had the amazing experience of indulging in Jack Frost Donuts - it is a treat like no other. Here is what they look like :
The media department at Tri C ( forgive me I forgot his name ) had contacted a few local channels and while my yard was receiving a makeover, Channels 5 and 8 came out to talk to me. Also Mark with Cleveland.com came out to interview me. In between all of the interviews, I felt compelled to interact with the amazing volunteers. Each and every one of them impacted my family in a positive way. They did not even know us, yet here they were in the almost 80 degree heat, working on our garden beds. We Ordered a Pizza from our Favorite pizza place Antonio's to thank them for all of their hard work. It was the least we could do.
I really hope that each and every one of them know how much it meant to us.
We were on the news that day, it was so nice to share our story . I also loved the article in cleveland.com. Mark really captured the story perfectly:
http://www.cleveland.com/parma/index.ssf/2014/08/mother_of_two_battling_breast.html
Here are some pictures of our yard:
There is a local anchor from Fox 8 that I am sure most of you have heard of.... Her name is Stacey Frey. I watch channel 8 every single morning. (I have since I was in my twenties) I left a note for Stacey when they came to my house, thinking she would never contact me. She too had battled breast cancer and had a story airing on Monday August 4th following up on the closing chapter of her journey. I remember back when she was first diagnosed...I was very emotional. I had just had my daughter Olivia 4 months earlier, and when I saw the way her husband and son looked at her, and how lovingly she interacted with them... I wept. Their eyes were so full of concern and love. She was very honest and scared - of course I could not (yet) relate to her or what she was feeling regarding the cancer. But, I could relate as a mother. To know you are sick and it impacting your family - your husband and child was such a sad thing. The one thing I admired was how strong she was. Her strength and courage shined through, even in a moment where she was so uncertain about the future.
The day her story aired, I DVR'd it - because lets be honest - I had a 2 year old and almost 3 month old to watch and I wanted to really sit down and watch it. When I finally did get a moment to watch it - I was so happy to see her smiling and so happy. It made me cry (again) but this time out of happiness. For her and her family, and also because it gave me hope for myself and my family too. Much to my surprise...Stacey called me that evening! She sat on the phone and chatted with me about her story, asked me questions about mine, and even offered some warm words to console me. She said I was welcome to contact her to talk again (which I did). Through the couple of conversations I had with her - it really helped me feel better. I had told her the fact that I was diagnosed as stage 3 and it had been such an aggressive cancer scared me . I feared there was a small chance I would not be here for my husband and babies. Stacey told me a story of a woman she knew who had a 5 year old and was diagnosed with Stage 4 , who is doing just fine and beat the cancer. She told me that we (breast cancer patients) lift each other up, and are like a sorority of sisters. It was so true. Nobody can relate to the flood of emotion, fears, and feelings that we are going through - unless they too have lived it. After her call, I felt much better. My husband had said she even mentioned me on the news that evening! What a true inspiration - and lovely soul. I am so glad that she spoke with me and gave me hope. I heard a quote " God sends his strongest soldiers to battle" and I always think of anyone going through Cancer as one of the strongest beings on this planet. Whether you are a survivor, a fighter , or he calls you home to be with him - We have all endured pain and suffering that is so extreme - it is truly a testament to how strong we are. Thank You Stacey...for giving me hope and inspiring so many!
Here is Stacey's Beautiful Story:
http://fox8.com/2014/08/04/stacey-freys-journey-surviving-breast-cancer/
My last shout out goes to a beautiful lady named Brittany who I met back in 2011. She made me feel the most beautiful I have ever felt .... on 3 occasions. I had contacted her to do my makeup for my wedding day. She did a "trial run" for my engagement pictures.
Then of course my wedding day - which I felt the most beautiful I have ever felt in my entire life .
And then - most recently, She did my makeup for my cousin Kristen's wedding. As a result of chemotherapy, I lost all of my hair and half of my eyelashes and eyebrows. It has been very hard on me emotionally. Where I once had Long lush lashes, only a few remain. Brittany surprised me and brought falsies . The end result of my makeup was amazing. I felt like "me" again. For the first time in 5 months I felt confident and beautiful. I got to enjoy a few hours with my husband not consumed with worry about how ugly I felt . It is hard for others to understand but every day I feel so horrible about my outward appearance. It is truly another struggle.
Brittany's amazing-ness does not end there! She stayed in touch with me and told me she was there for me. She even offered to drop off some makeup that I had not been able to get myself because of my chemo, and busy schedule going to countless dr appointments, and well...add 2 babies in the mix , and I am one tapped out mama! The day she dropped it off I was extremely sick from the chemo, and was unable to walk because I had severe bone pain. She left it on our doorstep and was so gracious. My husband brought the bag over to me, and in with the makeup was a beautiful hand written card - complete with signatures from her adorable little girls Lucia and Isla. It made me cry, I was so touched by her words. She also gave me a gorgeous garden rock bedazzled with pretty glass rocks and a butterfly to display in my newly weeded garden. Oh and also some yummy Chocolates - what girl doesn't feel better eating a chocolate or 3 when she is down?! I was so blown away by her kindness. She lives about 40 minutes away, and was running around then came to my house just to make me feel loved and appreciated! It really worked. Words cannot express how her words touched me.
There are many angels among us . They roam the earth doing random acts of kindness, wanting nothing in return. They are not adorned with white robes and wings...but rather high heels, sneakers, polo shirts, and jeans. I thank each and every one of you who have sent cards, dinner, gift cards, or even came over just to hang out...you are what keep us going !
I have created that title for the people who have recently done some very nice things for our family in the past month. Angels do not just grace the clouds up in heaven....but also the green ground here on earth.
After becoming sick with cancer, I have missed out on doing yard work and planting flowers. Our yard had become overgrown with some pretty nasty weeds. The kind that take months to get rid of. Our awesome friends and family came over a few months back and spent all day removing the weeds. We were so thankful to everyone who helped, and that the weeds were gone! But unfortunately , they came back with a vengeance. Literally, twice as bad. I could not stand to look out of the window. It was such a sight for sore eyes. My social worker Eileen at Seidman had mentioned a few options to me .
The one that stuck out was calling Tri-C's horticulture department. Tri C is a local community college. I spoke with Greg Malone, head of the department. He was very nice and said he would see what he could do....he called me back and informed me that he had a group of students / staff that were willing to come out and help . He stopped by to assess our weed garden. He said it was not that bad ( I know he was trying to be nice) and assured me that they could get it done in a few hours. I was so happy.
The crew arrived bright and early on Saturday August 2nd. I was very sick from chemotherapy. I was told that I may have to go to the ER, but after a couple phone conversations with the on call doctor I was told to go to Urgent Care by the next day for testing, and that would be sufficient. As soon as I saw the amazing group of people working on my yard, I felt a little better. It took my mind off of the sickness. We bought them some Jack Frost Donuts to give them a sweet surge of energy. For those few souls who have not had the amazing experience of indulging in Jack Frost Donuts - it is a treat like no other. Here is what they look like :
The media department at Tri C ( forgive me I forgot his name ) had contacted a few local channels and while my yard was receiving a makeover, Channels 5 and 8 came out to talk to me. Also Mark with Cleveland.com came out to interview me. In between all of the interviews, I felt compelled to interact with the amazing volunteers. Each and every one of them impacted my family in a positive way. They did not even know us, yet here they were in the almost 80 degree heat, working on our garden beds. We Ordered a Pizza from our Favorite pizza place Antonio's to thank them for all of their hard work. It was the least we could do.
I really hope that each and every one of them know how much it meant to us.
We were on the news that day, it was so nice to share our story . I also loved the article in cleveland.com. Mark really captured the story perfectly:
http://www.cleveland.com/parma/index.ssf/2014/08/mother_of_two_battling_breast.html
Here are some pictures of our yard:
There is a local anchor from Fox 8 that I am sure most of you have heard of.... Her name is Stacey Frey. I watch channel 8 every single morning. (I have since I was in my twenties) I left a note for Stacey when they came to my house, thinking she would never contact me. She too had battled breast cancer and had a story airing on Monday August 4th following up on the closing chapter of her journey. I remember back when she was first diagnosed...I was very emotional. I had just had my daughter Olivia 4 months earlier, and when I saw the way her husband and son looked at her, and how lovingly she interacted with them... I wept. Their eyes were so full of concern and love. She was very honest and scared - of course I could not (yet) relate to her or what she was feeling regarding the cancer. But, I could relate as a mother. To know you are sick and it impacting your family - your husband and child was such a sad thing. The one thing I admired was how strong she was. Her strength and courage shined through, even in a moment where she was so uncertain about the future.
The day her story aired, I DVR'd it - because lets be honest - I had a 2 year old and almost 3 month old to watch and I wanted to really sit down and watch it. When I finally did get a moment to watch it - I was so happy to see her smiling and so happy. It made me cry (again) but this time out of happiness. For her and her family, and also because it gave me hope for myself and my family too. Much to my surprise...Stacey called me that evening! She sat on the phone and chatted with me about her story, asked me questions about mine, and even offered some warm words to console me. She said I was welcome to contact her to talk again (which I did). Through the couple of conversations I had with her - it really helped me feel better. I had told her the fact that I was diagnosed as stage 3 and it had been such an aggressive cancer scared me . I feared there was a small chance I would not be here for my husband and babies. Stacey told me a story of a woman she knew who had a 5 year old and was diagnosed with Stage 4 , who is doing just fine and beat the cancer. She told me that we (breast cancer patients) lift each other up, and are like a sorority of sisters. It was so true. Nobody can relate to the flood of emotion, fears, and feelings that we are going through - unless they too have lived it. After her call, I felt much better. My husband had said she even mentioned me on the news that evening! What a true inspiration - and lovely soul. I am so glad that she spoke with me and gave me hope. I heard a quote " God sends his strongest soldiers to battle" and I always think of anyone going through Cancer as one of the strongest beings on this planet. Whether you are a survivor, a fighter , or he calls you home to be with him - We have all endured pain and suffering that is so extreme - it is truly a testament to how strong we are. Thank You Stacey...for giving me hope and inspiring so many!
Here is Stacey's Beautiful Story:
http://fox8.com/2014/08/04/stacey-freys-journey-surviving-breast-cancer/
My last shout out goes to a beautiful lady named Brittany who I met back in 2011. She made me feel the most beautiful I have ever felt .... on 3 occasions. I had contacted her to do my makeup for my wedding day. She did a "trial run" for my engagement pictures.
Then of course my wedding day - which I felt the most beautiful I have ever felt in my entire life .
 |
| She looks beautiful , even deep in concentration! |
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| The end result, Flawless wedding makeup! |
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| Brian and I at my Cousin's wedding |
There are many angels among us . They roam the earth doing random acts of kindness, wanting nothing in return. They are not adorned with white robes and wings...but rather high heels, sneakers, polo shirts, and jeans. I thank each and every one of you who have sent cards, dinner, gift cards, or even came over just to hang out...you are what keep us going !
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Olivia is 2!
It seems like just yesterday we welcomed our little Olivia into the world.....
It is amazing reflecting on the past 2 years she has been in our lives. ..From a teeny 6 pound little baby, to the sweetest little girl I have ever met. She never ceases to amaze me . I tell Brian she is like a miniature Lucille Ball, always doing these silly, hilarious things -and she knows she is funny too! Her smile is contagious.... Every day that I wake her in the morning I thank God for blessing us. It is such a gift to be able to call her ours. Even through the hardest days - I look into those big brown eyes and my heart melts. She truly inspires me to push through every single day. Her innocence and beauty give me hope and joy. Such a gift to be able to watch her grow up...
Mama, Daddy, and Sophia had a special celebration the day of Olivia's actual Birthday....It was so fun and by the end of the day - the birthday girl was exhausted!
We were having a hard time deciding if we were going to have a big party due to my sickness, but anyone who knows me, knows that my sweet girl was going to get a party meant for a princess! Brian and I decided to have it at the Metroparks Cottonwood Reserve Pavilion. It was a lovely day . It was little sister Sophia's first big outing too!
Here are some pictures from her big day:
It is amazing reflecting on the past 2 years she has been in our lives. ..From a teeny 6 pound little baby, to the sweetest little girl I have ever met. She never ceases to amaze me . I tell Brian she is like a miniature Lucille Ball, always doing these silly, hilarious things -and she knows she is funny too! Her smile is contagious.... Every day that I wake her in the morning I thank God for blessing us. It is such a gift to be able to call her ours. Even through the hardest days - I look into those big brown eyes and my heart melts. She truly inspires me to push through every single day. Her innocence and beauty give me hope and joy. Such a gift to be able to watch her grow up...
Mama, Daddy, and Sophia had a special celebration the day of Olivia's actual Birthday....It was so fun and by the end of the day - the birthday girl was exhausted!
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| Hello Kitty all around |
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| 2 candles for the Birthday Girl |
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| So excited |
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| She wanted the candles back |
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| First Mr Potato Head |
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| Birthday Hello Kitty |
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| First Barbie ! |
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| Every girl loves shopping! |
We were having a hard time deciding if we were going to have a big party due to my sickness, but anyone who knows me, knows that my sweet girl was going to get a party meant for a princess! Brian and I decided to have it at the Metroparks Cottonwood Reserve Pavilion. It was a lovely day . It was little sister Sophia's first big outing too!
Here are some pictures from her big day:
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| The extra guest that everyone loved ! |
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| Beautiful Cupcakes done by Jaclyn |
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| Mama made the cake and topper ! |
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| Birthday Girl is tired! |
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| Feeding her Pony |
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| My Awesome sister |
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| My Best Friend of 15 years |
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| Best Auntie Ever! |
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| Sophia posing for Mama |
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| Our little Sweetheart |
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| Add caption |
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| Sister love |
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| Had to change into the tennis shoes so Miss Olivia could run and be free! |
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| I love capturing these moments |
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| Being 2 is FUN |
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