Lots of Thoughts - Part1

To say I have been neglecting my blog is an understatement....I have had A LOT to reflect on the past several months. I tend to over think everything....Which is why I have taken my time in writing. I came across this picture recently, and it touched me deeply. It hit home on the very reason I changed a lot about my life , and the people that I chose to surround me:

You see, when you help someone in need who is hurting - It is so very wrong to bash them publicly, to kick them when they are down. Anger and Bitterness can surely cause such an ugly and detrimental path of destruction. I can spend my whole blog entry spewing nasty blows against those who have hurt me. One person's Lie caused so many horrible and unforgivable chain reactions. I made the huge mistake of trusting her and letting her back into my life . I was vulnerable, and just found out I had Cancer. Even when very sick , and not knowing if I could be cured - this person lied about me, pretended to be my friend, and lied to people I thought were genuine. And in turn, those people believed her lies, and turned away. They kicked me when I was down. They knew I was hurting and abandoned our friendship, and chose to say hurtful things. Some even mocked my pain and said some of the most horrible things ever. They still are doing it 5 months later.  BUT, through all of this , I remained silent. I could not sink to that level of anger and ugliness. I really want to thank the very person who started this. Just when I thought life couldn't get worse , it did....for a small period of time. But every hurricane must cease. and the skies clear. I found myself. I saw what (and who) was around me and all of a sudden, this dark fog lifted. The clouds parted  and the sunshine came out. The birds began to sing the loveliest melodies. I may have ended a couple friendships, but it was for the BEST. I want those surrounding me to want to be there. You shouldn't have to beg people to be a part of your life , they should want to be there. I am so very happy now. I have a small circle of friends who have been there for me and lifted me up through this. Life is too short to hang on to things that drag us down. I decide to be happy and handle it with grace and class . I want to forgive them, and I want to move forward.

You didn't think I was going to make my blog about negative things the whole page, did you? So many amazing things happening for the Garvin family. I was going to make my blog private...but I am not going to let others change me in sharing my story. So, If you hate me that much and still want to creep on my life - have at it!

So, we had to leave our house that we were renting. My dear husband and I were thinking "Let's Buy a House" We were aligned with an amazing realtor and mortgage loan guy....It was a very nerve wracking couple of months, but we did it! They even came to me because I wasn't feeling well to sign the closing paperwork! We found a charming 4 bedroom home with a huge fenced in back yard perfect for our little family. It has a big swing set. When Olivia first saw it she just kept saying "I have my own Playground" ! She is so happy. To see how happy my babies and husband are is the greatest gift. We have a HOME. It is Ours . And it feels so right!

We have a pet Chipmunk here too!!

Sweet Bathroom!

Back Yard / Patio area

I have the most gorgeous lilacs

Purple too!

Loves her Playground!! Were fixing it up too!

Looking at the deer!!

I decided to take some photography classes and buy a pro camera, and follow my dreams of becoming a photographer. I am still taking some classes and need a lot of practice. I have 2 little ladies who are awesome and I am practicing with them first. It will take a few years, But I hope to  start a business and make it a career when I am healthy. Here are a few pictures .....Copyrighted and please give credit if you share....

Sneek Peek...Olivias 3 year session

Chill in the Air....

November, December, and January have no doubt brought a chill .... It has been one roller coaster of a ride - that is for sure. This journey that I have faced has be quite challenging physically and emotionally. I should not at all feel like I have to hold back from expressing my emotions. My pain and sadness should not be mocked or downplayed. To some looking in from the outside, you will never understand. I will never be the type of person to criticize someones suffering - especially now. I wish I could elaborate, but I have been through enough .  I have learned a lot about life - and all of my knowledge will prepare me for the future and will make me a better person. My family will move on and grow, we will overcome all obstacles and persevere.

November was our sweet Sophia's first Thanksgiving at Grammy Vallo's House- Everyone had a fabulous time, and full bellies!:

December was overall a heartwarming month. The Cleveland Browns gave Brian and I  the VIP  treatment. They spoiled us with parking passes, Field Access, and some pretty good seats. The weather was mild for December (50 degrees). We had so much fun as we were escorted to the field to watch the players warm up and practice!

We also gained a new member to our family.....Ella from the north pole:

Christmas was amazing. We received such an outpouring of love from Seidman Cancer Center as they surprised us by adopting our family- and delivered 4 large boxes full of gifts to our home the week before Christmas. We received tons of toys and clothes for the girls. They even spoiled Mama and Daddy with gift cards to go out to eat and clothes / assorted gifts. We hope that one day we can pay it forward and adopt a family too! Words cannot express the love we have for them and for my Social worker Eileen who has been more of a friend than anything !!

It was one of those Christmas moments I had always dreamed of ..... Presents stacked so high you couldn't see the bottom of the tree. The pitter patter of tiny feet sprinting toward the tree all starry eyed and full of excitement! Squeals of pure delight and awe over the massive amount of presents......The presents just seemed to keep coming. The happiness between the kids and Brian and I was overwhelming. Brian and I beaming with pride. Even sweet little Sophia was wide eyed and happy! Olivia loved her Lovebird Pair that mama worked so hard to find and get !  

Auntie got us a 1 year Cleveland Zoo membership!!!

 Most importantly ....we were together.I will never again take another holiday, birthday, anniversary, ANY DAY for granted.

I have made the decision to make my blog private ♡ so many amazing announcements coming about our little family.

If you wish to follow and see posts, please send me your email address and join google+ and you can follow our sweet journey.

Thanks and much love ,
The Garvin Family

To my Husband and Babies

As I lie awake at almost 1 am. I think of you. Just an hour ago I was crying....crying for you. For us. For our little family that has been through so much since March .

Brian....you have loved me unconditionally.  When you held my hands and looked into my eyes and said "for better or worse" You really had no idea what you were getting into. My heart aches for you. You work so hard every day only to come home take a nap and then help with the babies. You never go to the bar or have a night out . You sacrifice so much. You have loved me and taken care of me at my sickest for months and months. I am so sorry that I have / had cancer. Cancer not only broke me, but it hurt us. It took a lot of happiness away. I am so sorry I lost that sparkle in my eyes. But i promise you , it will return. I Will smile again. We will persevere.  We will look back at this dark nightmare and it will be a bad memory .

My dearest Olivia....You are so smart ....and sweet....and funny. I'm so sorry you have to see mama cry sometimes. But when you catch me crying I always force myself to laugh and say "haha just kidding" You look so confused but then giggle along. I love you and you are too innocent to comprehend the pain . I don't ever want you to witness that. I'm sorry I can't always carry you or walk with you. Sometimes mama is tired and hurting. But do not worry- one day soon I will scoop you up and run around the yard and play with you. You will forget about mama's silly sad tears and giggle all day long with me.

My little blue eyes...Sophia. I am so sorry that I couldn't hold you as much as I wanted to. But know this my sweet girl: Even when it hurt my body I had to hold you. I carried you for 9 months, Surely I could not go without it. I would hold you and hum sweet lullabies pretending nothing bad ever happened to our family. You would gaze into my eyes and smile and would reach your tiny hand up to graze my face. My tears would fall like rain. But like any storm this one will go away.

To my husband and babies....I love you.I am certainly not ready to leave you. I'm just getting the hang of this wife and mommy thing. Every breath that I take is for you. You are my world. I need you more than you need me please know that.

I sorry this all happened. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I love you.  I live for you.  You are my everything!

Reflection....

Well... It has been a long 7 months.

I cannot put into words the heartache, and joy that my family and I have endured.
I feel the need to reflect on the moments - both happy and sad. For even the tragic and trying moments have made me the new woman , mom, and wife that I am today. Please excuse my grammar, as I am so overwhelmed with emotion as I type this. Just thinking about it makes me tear up.

In March I was almost 7 months pregnant and Brian , Olivia and I were so happy and excited. We were preparing to welcome our sweet little Sophia into the world. I knew in the back of my mind after a breast ultrasound and biopsy that my life was going to change...and it did.

I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Invasive Breast Cancer. It was aggressive and needed to be treated immediately. A week later, I had to do the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I had to get Chemotherapy while pregnant. I had to expose my healthy baby to toxins and chemicals. I will never forget the ride to Seidman Cancer center. I will never forget sobbing uncontrollably. I will never forget my body trembling with fear. Or my husband trying to comfort me, when I saw the sincere sadness, pain , and fear in his eyes as well.

I made it through. We made it through. I lost my hair, eyelashes , eyebrows...I had no energy. Some days I honestly felt like I was dying from the drugs they were giving me to rid this horrible cancer. I could not hold my babies, I could not walk or run with them . I watched them play outside as I sobbed, my heart hurting just as much as my body - because I could not be there physically for them like I had wanted to.I decided that I did not want to have a third round of chemotherapy while pregnant. My doctors advised if I went that route, they would need to induce me a few weeks early. I agreed, as I did not want to put my sweet baby through any more than she had already been through. Sweet Sophia was born with no complications from the chemo, Thank God....Our prayers were answered!

After Sophia was born, I had to endure a different and even worse type of chemo that really took a toll on my body. But my children gave me hope. Even on the darkest of days, knowing what I was doing  - saving my life - was worth it. I swear my children's laughter and smiles, My husbands support and love - those are the main things that really helped me push through. I finally completed my Chemo, and was ready for the next step....

Chemo is a very ugly thing. It sucks the life out of you. It steals everything from you. But I chose to be as happy as I could. Underneath my wig  - was a bald head. Many ask me why did I not go out bald like so many others do? My answer was simple.... Because, that's not "me" . I would not allow cancer to take away my right to feel pretty. And if a wig allowed me to look and feel myself, then that is what I wanted to do. Yes , I wear makeup and false eyelashes. Cancer may make me feel sick...But I refuse to look sick!

After chemo, my next step was a mastectomy and dissection. It took place on October 6th 2014. I was terrified. But it had to be done. It was removing the cancer that was trying to kill me. My Husband needed me, My babies needed me , and I NEEDED THEM! I made it through. And even had a surprise visit from some of the Cleveland Browns the day after surgery

I still have to go through 5 to 6 weeks of radiation...and another surgery. But I know that as difficult as this journey has, and will be I will get through it. I have faith in God. I have a Loving Supportive husband, and 2 Beautiful little girls.....

Here are a few Happy pictures of Brian, Olivia and Sophia (and me too)