To my Husband and Babies

As I lie awake at almost 1 am. I think of you. Just an hour ago I was crying....crying for you. For us. For our little family that has been through so much since March .

Brian....you have loved me unconditionally.  When you held my hands and looked into my eyes and said "for better or worse" You really had no idea what you were getting into. My heart aches for you. You work so hard every day only to come home take a nap and then help with the babies. You never go to the bar or have a night out . You sacrifice so much. You have loved me and taken care of me at my sickest for months and months. I am so sorry that I have / had cancer. Cancer not only broke me, but it hurt us. It took a lot of happiness away. I am so sorry I lost that sparkle in my eyes. But i promise you , it will return. I Will smile again. We will persevere.  We will look back at this dark nightmare and it will be a bad memory .

My dearest Olivia....You are so smart ....and sweet....and funny. I'm so sorry you have to see mama cry sometimes. But when you catch me crying I always force myself to laugh and say "haha just kidding" You look so confused but then giggle along. I love you and you are too innocent to comprehend the pain . I don't ever want you to witness that. I'm sorry I can't always carry you or walk with you. Sometimes mama is tired and hurting. But do not worry- one day soon I will scoop you up and run around the yard and play with you. You will forget about mama's silly sad tears and giggle all day long with me.

My little blue eyes...Sophia. I am so sorry that I couldn't hold you as much as I wanted to. But know this my sweet girl: Even when it hurt my body I had to hold you. I carried you for 9 months, Surely I could not go without it. I would hold you and hum sweet lullabies pretending nothing bad ever happened to our family. You would gaze into my eyes and smile and would reach your tiny hand up to graze my face. My tears would fall like rain. But like any storm this one will go away.

To my husband and babies....I love you.I am certainly not ready to leave you. I'm just getting the hang of this wife and mommy thing. Every breath that I take is for you. You are my world. I need you more than you need me please know that.

I sorry this all happened. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I love you.  I live for you.  You are my everything!