Family Time...and other news!

With Brian being off work more often, we have gotten to finally spend some family time together. It has been wonderful! We went to to the park, and also our dear friend took some photos of us at the Botanical Garden. I wanted some family pictures before the new baby came, and before my hair was gone too. I will share those pictures when we get them.

We have had a couple pretty days, and took Olivia to the park. One day in particular we snapped a few pictures and I wanted to share. Normally we would walk to the park and walk around for an hour or so, marveling at Olivia's reaction to dogs and birds etc.... This time was a bit different for me. Being 7+ months pregnant , I have been getting braxton hicks contractions. Throw in the chemotherapy on top, and I was pretty tired after ten minutes of walking. I told Brian to go ahead and walk around for a while , and I would hang out on the bench and enjoy the pretty view. My heart ached not being able to walk with him and Olivia. As I walked to the bench, tears in my eyes, I talked to God :  This hurts, I want to be with them walking. Please let me get better. I don't mind sitting on the bench this season, but Please Lord , Let me come back - healthy, new, and better than ever .  I stared at a small pond in the distance. The breeze hit the water and it sparkled and glistened as the sunlight hit it.  Beautiful.  I cried so hard, and it felt kind of good to release some of the feelings I had been holding inside. Hell, I am crying right now as I type this. I swear I see the smallest things that I never noticed before. To say I have an even better appreciation for the little things in life ,  is an understatement. Brian and Olivia came back and Brian wanted to snap a few pics of Olivia with me on the bench. I felt peaceful and loved watching her look at the birds and nature around us.

Rain & Rainbows......

Where do I begin? Life has been a roller coaster these past few weeks   -   filled with ups and downs.  I am preparing for losing my hair, which should start happening this weekend. My scalp is itchy and starting to hurt, and I am noticing a small amount of hair loss, luckily nothing shocking yet. Something about my hair that represents "me". I know it is going to be temporary ( a year - due to my split chemo sessions) , but it sucks when some people make comments like "Oh its only temporary" . Part of me wants to snap back with "Okay, then you do it too! You shave your head for the next 8 months and tell me how it feels" As a woman , hair can define you, it is part of feeling feminine. It is part of your identity.   I worry most about how my daughter will respond to it. I hope she is not afraid of me.I know some people may think, with all Colleen has going on, why is she worrying about her hair? My answer is simple - Because I have feelings ( a lot of them right now), and it hurts. I am allowed to hurt , and cry , and feel sad sometimes.  Some days, I feel great - and others I sob like the hormone filled, pregnant, cancer patient that I am .  I am getting through this, that is the beautiful thing. For each day plagued with fear, sorrow, and what if's - I have another day filled with happiness, giggles , and love from my Husband and Daughter. I get support and love from friends and family.

And So I titled this blog "Rain & Rainbows" . You need the Raindrops, to form the beautiful Rainbow.....

I started out on the sad side, and now I want to show you the happy, sunny side of my journey thus far :

Words Cannot Express how thankful we are for the love and support that we have received the past 2 weeks. Every time I get a card in the mail, it warms my heart. Thank you to each and every person who has sent cards, they are all so lovely.  My sister has come over to help watch Olivia or just hang out . Our parents have reached out and helped us. My Hair dresser Rachel has went above and beyond , what a great lady ! I have received a care package from a couple of ladies (Alice, Ginger, Angie)  from high school and it cheered me up so much!Our friends have set up a dinner delivery for Thursday nights to help and we appreciate it so much. One less night to worry about preparing dinner! And may I add, our dinners so far have been delicious! Amanda and Danny brought a cheesy broccoli - chicken casserole that was amazing, and Ice Cream too, and to top it off cute little Arlo came along  :) Our Second dinner, Joe Brought us a fabulous Lasagna, Asparagus, and Garlic Bread! Olivia chowed down on it and loved it as much as we did!!  There are a few people in particular that have been beyond generous.....I want to scream out from the rooftops how amazing they are! There are so many good deeds that have been done - and due to privacy reasons our most sincere "Thank You, you know who you are " is all that I can say on this blog. But in private I have reached out and spoken . I wish I could thank you all in some amazing way.....All that I have are words right now. But they are words from my heart. They are deep, they are sincere, and they are full of LOVE. I hope that one day I could bring joy and light to each and every one of you in the same way that you have touched our lives. I look forward to the day years from now , when I can turn to my daughters and show them how much love and compassion we had from our family and friends. It would be the highest blessing for them to experience even half of what we have encountered thus far!

Just An Update....

Many have been asking how I have been since my first Chemotherapy this past Friday....

It was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life thus far. There is something about having a tiny little life inside of you that makes you look at everything differently. The past 7 months I have nurtured and protected this sweet baby - and she has been healthy and thriving. Walking into Seidman, knowing that I was going to be getting chemo, knowing that this healthy baby was going to have even a tiny exposure to these strong drugs made my heart ache. You could give me a million statistics on how chemo is "safe for the baby" or that there is " a very small chance" of something affecting the baby - it doesn't faze me. I am the girl who is like 1 in 10,000  with stage 3 breast cancer while pregnant. Statistics mean nothing. My Baby, she means everything.

Fear is something we all face....and I faced my biggest fear this past Friday. With Brian by my side , I did it. I cried a million tears, but I did it. This is the beginning of my fight against cancer. And this cancer, is going down. I have way too much to live for!

I felt a little "off" after the chemo, but the first couple hours I was okay. Later in the evening I felt sick and noticed my stomach tightening. The doctors were concerned I may be going into an early  labor and had me call southwest to talk to the dr on call at labor & delivery. Unfortunately, after an hour nobody called me. Finally, later another dr called me and told me to count the contractions and if 10 in 1 hour to come to the er.
I was sleep deprived, feeling sick and so worried about my little baby. After 1 hour of counting , I only made it to 7 ~  So I stayed up one more hour and it was only 5.    I decided to go to sleep.

I woke up feeling very sick and with a migraine. It went away an hour later - thanks to medicine. I have had some ups and downs. Good a few hours then bad for a few hours. Overall, I feel like this is not as bad as I had anticipated. It is tolerable, and I am getting through it. It is by no means easy. I am feeling a bit fatigued and have to take a nap daily.

The baby has been moving around which is helping me realize she is okay....Brian being here by my side , has given me strength to keep pushing through ...  and Olivia, Little miss sunshine herself her smile and laugh and kisses give me the joy I need to keep smiling through these tough times! My sister has been a Godsend, helping us so much - even came over at 2 am saturday morning just to help out when we had our scare. The family we have helping has been amazing. Our friends have been loving and supportive.

A Big THANK YOU to those who have sent cards, care packages, and words of encouragement and love. You have made the cloudy days better, and brighter. I have needed a good pick me up and appreciate all of the support. It helps more than you know.

We Love You All, and God Bless!

My Biggest Battle....

Well, my results came in. As crazy as it sounds, a small part of me knew I had cancer. I hoped and prayed my instincts were wrong, but on March 13, 2014 at 4:02 pm I received the call. Dr Eyman, my surgeon, seemed very upset and told me he was so very sorry he had to do it over the phone. He was sincere, I heard the sadness in his voice. He told me I had Breast cancer and cancer in my lymph nodes, and would be receiving a call from Dr. Shenk at the UH Seidman Cancer Center.  I was crying. Brian looked at me and I silently mouthed to him  "I have cancer" . He just looked blank.  Shocked.  I was a wreck.  I had to keep telling myself over and over "I have cancer, I have cancer".  It had to sink in and I had to realize that this was not some disgusting nightmare, it was now my reality. I cannot tell you how many times I cried in the past almost 2 weeks. 

I met the Doctors this past week. Dr. Shenk is the captain of the team. Dr. Silverman is my Oncologist.       Dr. Duchon is my high risk ob. I call them the dream team. They are the best of the best. People travel from other states and countries to be treated by them. I feel blessed, and I trust them. God has brought me to these individuals for a reason. These are the people I will thank for saving my life in several months. 

I announced my condition on Facebook. Mainly because I do not want cancer talk to consume my life. I want as much normalcy as possible. I need some space, it is so hard to get call after call and have to explain a million details over and over. It is draining, and I need to save my energy to fight this !

Here is my Facebook Post:

March 22

Everyone has their battles....Mine has just begun. On March 13, 2014 I received the news that at 7 months pregnant, I have Breast Cancer, as well as cancer in my lymph nodes. This has been extremely difficult. If I could ask one thing, please keep Me, Brian, Olivia, and our unborn baby in your prayers daily. I will start Chemotherapy on Friday March 28th. I know everyone has concerns, I would ask if you could please please respect our privacy during this very difficult time. My main focus is on my family, my health, to have a healthy baby, and kick this cancer's ass. I will update on my blog, and post a link on here weekly. Please do not take it personal if I do not respond to you. As I said, this is the biggest, most emotional battle of my life. I believe in miracles, I believe in God, and I have faith that I will get through this and grow old with Brian, and watch my baby girls grow up and have families of their own. I love you all , and Thank you for supporting me.

Chemotherapy. 2 days.....In 2 days I will have chemo. It is scary being pregnant and knowing that they will be pumping my body with chemicals that will help me and hurt me. I am trying to stay positive, because that is what will get me through. They are confident baby will be fine - and that comes first in my book !

I did something today that I never thought I would be doing at 34 years young, let alone pregnant.. I received a sacrament called  "Anointing of the sick"  Now being raised catholic, must of us who learned about this back in the 80's and earlier referred to it as the last rite . Sounds Scary huh? But My parents pastor, Father Brown, calmly explained to me that it is just for those dealing with health issues or even surgery. It can be given multiple times - I will be seeing him again before my surgery, I thought to myself......

It was very quick , and peaceful. I actually feel more calm. I even had him bless the baby, because she is fighting this battle with me.

If you I reading this, PLEASE take one moment out of your day to pray for me. Pray for a healing, a miracle, for strength. Pray for my sweet unborn baby. Pray for my husband and little Olivia. Pray for my family. 

We Thank You, and God Bless.

Confessions...

I don't have a diary, or a journal. Just thoughts. They come and go, and I think way too much sometimes.

It has been a hell of week, a hell of a month and a half, really. So here I am , about to get all serious and emotional. It is awkward for me . But I feel like I have to do it for myself, and maybe even for others. First and foremost, I know that like any tribulation in life, nobody will understand what I am going through unless they, themself have lived through the exact same circumstance that I have...... People have said things to me that have been helpful, and there are others who have said things that did nothing but frustrate me, or make things harder. I try and tell myself "they are just trying to help" and I know that they mean well. Others have said nothing at all, which frankly hurts the most.

On Friday March 7th, (at 7 months pregnant), I went in for a double biopsy of my breast, and lymph node. There were a couple of "suspicious masses" found on my left breast, and another on my lymph node under my arm. I will be honest, I was okay with the whole breast mass finding because I am pregnant, and my body is going through so much right now. When they said lymph node, it kind of shocked me.  So when the words "suspicious", "lymph node" and "biopsy" were used in a sentence....It scared me.

The doctor was very nice. I knew this was not normal, a pregnant woman getting a biopsy. He called a colleague in to look at the ultrasound before the procedures. The 2 nurses, and doctors said it looked like it could be just an inflammation of the milk ducts, as the milk is already coming in for baby. He felt confident that if he could drain some fluid samples, and the fluid looked good (the right color) that a biopsy may not be needed. So he injected me with lidocaine, then tried to aspirate some fluid. I felt a shooting pain and it got worse each time he tried to pull some fluid. He looked disappointed, and said I am sorry Mrs.Garvin, but I cannot pull any fluid, I cannot try any further, we will have to proceed with the biopsies. I will spare most of the details, but when the doctor took 3 samples from my breast tissue, I felt a stabbing , burning pain that was so awful I do not even know how to describe. My stomach was so cramped up, and tears were flowing. It hurt, and it was constant. I told the Dr and he had to finish the breast biopsy, I had to rough it out. I thought I was going to be numb, I thought I would feel pressure or discomfort. This was horrible. I was so embarrassed, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain  -  but this was bad. I sobbed because I knew my little baby inside of me felt some kind of stress. This wasn't fair to her. I received another round of lidocaine shots to my underarm by the lymph node. Luckily it was not as painful as the breast biopsy - But I had a constant pain and burning in my breast anyway. When it was over the doctor said I was brave, and he was sorry  had to endure this.I apologized for the twelfth time about crying, and the doctor and nurses joked and said what crying.....I didn't see any crying.... and it made me crack a smile of relief and leave with feeling a little better. They understood. they were sympathetic. They knew how hurt and embarrassed I was, and they felt for me.

My doctor prescribed percocet for me. I HATE taking any kind of medicine while pregnant, even tylenol. So this was a big deal. I was told every 4 hours, I think I may have taken 2 in one day but that was it. The pain was horrible. My breast and underarm were bruised and bloody. I could not lift my 20 month old daughter. I had to wait til Thursday for biopsy results..... almost a whole week I have to sit and think...

The pain was way deeper than physical over the next few days. Saturday was the worst. I had been thinking. I was in my daughters room. She was giggling, smiling, and kissing me. Of all things - that is what made me sob. My heart hurt. I thought to myself  "what if"? What if I never get to see this beautiful smile grow ? What if I miss this little girl grow up? The kisses , the smiles, the hugs? They are what I LIVE for. I just met her less than 2 years ago. I just started a beautiful life with Brian. This should not be something I have to even think about. What about this new baby? I haven't even held her tiny little hand, kissed her forehead or rocked her to sleep. "What IF"??????Why am I thinking about this?  Because I do not know.
Because it is a possibility. Because even a small chance that I may have the "C" word scares me. Being pregnant and going through this is so hard to explain. My emotions are all over. And I cannot control how I feel.

72 hours......within 72 hours I will know what the results are. This is pure torture. I am praying for the best and just want to know. I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally. I am drained and hoping that I will have good news . Please Pray, that is all I have right now. 

Hello 3rd Trimester!

I cannot believe that I am in the third trimester......

This pregnancy has been pretty rough, all around. The first 4 months I was plagued with Hyperemesis Gravidarum also known as severe morning sickness, lost 10 pounds, and felt like I would never be able to eat normally again. I had to go to the ER for dehydration, and was so scared for my baby's well being. Luckily baby was okay, and by taking a daily zophran I was able to *usually* make it through the day without throwing up. Slowly but surely - I was feeling better ! I got rid of a few negative people in my life too, which was a huge bonus for me! Stress was not needed, and was certainly unhealthy for my baby and me. I only want good people around me, ones who enrich my life and are positive. The people around you should be a reflection of who you are, your morals, and who you want to be around.

That being said, the ones who *are* in my life have been a great support to me in my latest challenge. The ones who have called, came to visit, and actually been there and offered words of encouragement  - those are the people I cherish most. My Breast Biopsies are scheduled for this Friday. I am nervous, but I know that I am in God's hands and whatever he has in store for me is the path that I must take.

On a happy and positive note I am excited that in just 3 short months, we will meet our little princess!
She is approximately 3+ pounds, and 14 inches long. She is kicking up a storm too.

Olivia is starting to realize that somethings going on. I recently did something I swore I would never do...I purchased 2 adorable matching outfits for her and the new baby for this summer. I showed her both , and at first she was completely floored. She looked at me like I was crazy. But every morning, she pats my belly, pulls my shirt up, giggles, and says baby! So I know she is starting to grasp the concept that soon enough there will be another little person here.

Our crazy little lady

Aunt Lisa got her a "Blue " doll, and made clues too!

Loving her Books

Lunch Meeting / Engagement shoot

Well, as some of you may or may not know - I have a passion for taking photos.....

I have played around with my new camera ever since Olivia was born , and have gotten some awesome photos. Back in October 2013 My friend Heather's little sister Natalie got engaged. I know how much they cost - so I told her to tell her sis I would do some engagement photos, edit and put on a disk. Natalie called me and said sure - I was super excited , as I practically watched her grow from a little girl, to a mommy and soon to be wife <3 I felt honored.

We went to a local park and Natalie , her soon to be Husband, and daughter all were part of the photos! Heather kept dodging the camera - or I would have gotten her too !!! We met up for lunch and chatted about everything , and it just inspired me to share the engagement shoot on my blog :)

Here are some highlights :

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