Confessions...

I don't have a diary, or a journal. Just thoughts. They come and go, and I think way too much sometimes.

It has been a hell of week, a hell of a month and a half, really. So here I am , about to get all serious and emotional. It is awkward for me . But I feel like I have to do it for myself, and maybe even for others. First and foremost, I know that like any tribulation in life, nobody will understand what I am going through unless they, themself have lived through the exact same circumstance that I have...... People have said things to me that have been helpful, and there are others who have said things that did nothing but frustrate me, or make things harder. I try and tell myself "they are just trying to help" and I know that they mean well. Others have said nothing at all, which frankly hurts the most.

On Friday March 7th, (at 7 months pregnant), I went in for a double biopsy of my breast, and lymph node. There were a couple of "suspicious masses" found on my left breast, and another on my lymph node under my arm. I will be honest, I was okay with the whole breast mass finding because I am pregnant, and my body is going through so much right now. When they said lymph node, it kind of shocked me.  So when the words "suspicious", "lymph node" and "biopsy" were used in a sentence....It scared me.

The doctor was very nice. I knew this was not normal, a pregnant woman getting a biopsy. He called a colleague in to look at the ultrasound before the procedures. The 2 nurses, and doctors said it looked like it could be just an inflammation of the milk ducts, as the milk is already coming in for baby. He felt confident that if he could drain some fluid samples, and the fluid looked good (the right color) that a biopsy may not be needed. So he injected me with lidocaine, then tried to aspirate some fluid. I felt a shooting pain and it got worse each time he tried to pull some fluid. He looked disappointed, and said I am sorry Mrs.Garvin, but I cannot pull any fluid, I cannot try any further, we will have to proceed with the biopsies. I will spare most of the details, but when the doctor took 3 samples from my breast tissue, I felt a stabbing , burning pain that was so awful I do not even know how to describe. My stomach was so cramped up, and tears were flowing. It hurt, and it was constant. I told the Dr and he had to finish the breast biopsy, I had to rough it out. I thought I was going to be numb, I thought I would feel pressure or discomfort. This was horrible. I was so embarrassed, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain  -  but this was bad. I sobbed because I knew my little baby inside of me felt some kind of stress. This wasn't fair to her. I received another round of lidocaine shots to my underarm by the lymph node. Luckily it was not as painful as the breast biopsy - But I had a constant pain and burning in my breast anyway. When it was over the doctor said I was brave, and he was sorry  had to endure this.I apologized for the twelfth time about crying, and the doctor and nurses joked and said what crying.....I didn't see any crying.... and it made me crack a smile of relief and leave with feeling a little better. They understood. they were sympathetic. They knew how hurt and embarrassed I was, and they felt for me.

My doctor prescribed percocet for me. I HATE taking any kind of medicine while pregnant, even tylenol. So this was a big deal. I was told every 4 hours, I think I may have taken 2 in one day but that was it. The pain was horrible. My breast and underarm were bruised and bloody. I could not lift my 20 month old daughter. I had to wait til Thursday for biopsy results..... almost a whole week I have to sit and think...

The pain was way deeper than physical over the next few days. Saturday was the worst. I had been thinking. I was in my daughters room. She was giggling, smiling, and kissing me. Of all things - that is what made me sob. My heart hurt. I thought to myself  "what if"? What if I never get to see this beautiful smile grow ? What if I miss this little girl grow up? The kisses , the smiles, the hugs? They are what I LIVE for. I just met her less than 2 years ago. I just started a beautiful life with Brian. This should not be something I have to even think about. What about this new baby? I haven't even held her tiny little hand, kissed her forehead or rocked her to sleep. "What IF"??????Why am I thinking about this?  Because I do not know.
Because it is a possibility. Because even a small chance that I may have the "C" word scares me. Being pregnant and going through this is so hard to explain. My emotions are all over. And I cannot control how I feel.

72 hours......within 72 hours I will know what the results are. This is pure torture. I am praying for the best and just want to know. I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally. I am drained and hoping that I will have good news . Please Pray, that is all I have right now.