Dirty Laundry....

My husband and I talk...a lot. He had asked me the other day if I missed a certain friend who I deemed my "best " . I responded quite coldly with a "No", and thought - How can you miss something that wasn't even real in the end? It WAS, if anything a friendship, turned acquaintanceship, turned stranger who believed every rumor she heard.

Friendship: Those First few years were so fun.  We lived together. We were like sisters. We went out dancing, flirted with boys, had some crazy parties, made up silly names . It was the quintessential friendship. Besties for ever. We laughed together, cried together. WE were there for each other.

Acquaintanceship: After a while I felt like I missed her. She was married. I went to visit her and her baby all of the time. She made excuses and said it was busy and babies were hard work. I was visiting her and running errands on weekends with her because I loved her. I was happy with trips to Marc's and Giant Eagle . Aunt Colleen would stay in the car with the kids because I loved them. I loved them all, oh so much. But I realized , when I had a birthday, or invited her to come out ( Which was one or 2 times a year).....She never made it. Said she didn't feel like it. Even made a comment to me that she was glad she had a kid because she could use it as an excuse to dodge certain events. and she giggled. and so did I , even though it made me feel bad. I made almost every birthday party.

Her husband came to me one day - tears in his eyes and said .....Thank you for being here. I see the way you are with my kids and wife. Nobody is around like you . We love you. You're more than a friend, you're family. And I teared up. I loved them like a family. They were my heart. I always knew we would be in each others lives and hearts for years to come

Strangers:  where are you my friend? I miss you. I need you. I am so so scared. I am so sick. I think I am dying. You're busy? okay. Maybe next month. I just wanted to grab a coffee, would you hug me. Tell me funny stories about 2000. Boones farm at Parmatown Mall? Remember the Beach Club? Those fun 3 am Breakfasts we had at Reubens? I feel alone. I'm worried about my unborn baby. Cancer is scary. I just need my girlfriends who I love. Where are they? I am so jealous when I see you guys going to dinners, bars, and concerts every weekend. I'm so sorry chemo makes me sick.

 You said next month, and it's been 3....I'm still here, can we?  Damnit. What. Happened?

Lies. 

Something was happening. I think I was growing up. I saw how much effort I was putting into a friendship, and getting maybe 20 percent in return. I used to believe when someone helps you, they're doing it out of kindness. Expecting nothing in return. Thank you sufficed . You didn't go around bragging to others "Look at me  - Look at what I did" 

I deserve something far more than a Thank You. I spent time , I spent money. Look at me! 

 For some reason, that doesn't seem like a component of Philanthropy.  It seems like a narcissistic quality. Wanting recognition, a gold star for a deed done. Exuding entitlement. Because after all , You *are* such a good person. 

But good people do not give and ask for things back. ( Like the baby clothes from when Olivia was a newborn. Or baby toys you gave me that was in the garage because they were outdoor toys. You never seemed to want them back, until you were upset over a lie - and you conveniently wanted it back because you had a baby.) 

And yes, I thought it was wrong when I was told that I  had to sell 30+ tickets to my Cancer benefit while recovering from chemotherapy and having 5 month old baby .  My immune system was down . I was weak and sick. It wasn't exactly ideal to have a bunch of people in and out of my home when we were still so worried if I was going to make it. It was added stress, on an already stressful environment. 

But the cherry on top? Oh that was when you blasted me all over social media . Called me out by name.  Betrayed me by saying some of the most hurtful and vengeful lies for everyone to see. Forced me to apologize to the very people that you talked about badly behind their backs?If they only knew!
 Said my family used you? For what? We were just trying to stay above water. trying not to drown in bills, and I was fighting for my life.

I will never understand why you and my landlord said the things you did. And as for her....She is even worse than you. What she did will follow her for the rest of her life. To kick a family out, while I was going through Cancer treatments?   To say "I am sick of being a landlord" conveniently while her daughter and I are at odds? To tell numerous people I am pulling the Cancer Card?  (whatever the hell that means) Everyone knows what kind of person she is, even you have said it yourself.  Nasty.                 

Judas. That is who you are to me now.

Good People, True People, Caring People....They do not kick others when they are down. They do not just throw money and objects at someone, and then throw it in their face.When someone means something to you, you LOVE them. You *WANT* to help them. Even if you have to drive somewhere that may be 25 minutes away. Because to help a broken hearted person, to see them laugh and smile through the pain, THAT is what truly warms your soul. That should be the reward. 

This whole blog entry is full of the very things that haunt my mind on bad days. I go over and over trying to reason - Why? Why would the people I trusted so much do this to me?  I have such a hard time trusting ANYONE after this. 

Sadly, some people can never see how they are. They are so caught up in themselves, and what they are doing that they cannot see the hurt they have done.

But, after all of this I have learned a lot. I have certainly learned what real friendship is.
Much like after a failed romance , the hurt starts to heal. You learn to smile again. You have more sunshine , and less rain. I can look at where we are now and thank God for EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, because it taught me so much. It led me to this beautiful place where I am. It strengthened me. If anything it made me a better Woman, and an better Mother. It Taught me what NOT to be. One day I can show my girls how to be strong too.  I wish much more for them though.

Now that the dirty laundry is aired , it is time to get a new wardrobe. Move forward, and keep a smile on my face.