Cancer-versary

March 13, 2014. The worst day of my entire life.

Two years ago, I received the heartbreaking news, that I had Cancer.  One hand on my pregnant belly the other barely holding the phone, my heart was heavy. I felt helpless. I worried about my unborn baby. I thought to myself, am I going to be here to see her grow? I worried about Brian, Olivia.....and I worried about death, at 34 years young.  We were supposed to be painting a nursery, preparing for a new baby. Celebrating.  Not setting up an oncology appointment and chemotherapy.

I remember the week that followed, I remember it so vividly....Brian's birthday, smiling through the immense pain and uncertainty. We were both so very sad, confused, completely shocked. All I could do was cry. I was terrified that I wouldn't get to hold my baby, or be a good mom. The crazy part is ..... I didn't know how to handle it. So I cleared my mind, and decided to be as positive as I could. If I failed, there was always tomorrow. My doctor had asked me about advanced directive, I absolutely refused. I was not focusing on that. I was focusing on fighting cancer.

So here I am , my second cancer-versary

The doctors and nurses still speak as if I have cancer. They do not say I am ' cancer free' or ' in remission' I do feel completely confused. I also know that I am here. I  am able to kiss my babies good night. I can't do everything that I used to, but by god....I am present. I make the most of each day.

It breaks me that some of my closest relatives refuse to address my cancer. They have told me to get over it . They cannot be sensitive to the trauma and physical issues I have to this day. They think that since chemo and radiation are over, that everything is back to normal. Don't I wish... If they only knew what life is like.

This day will always be difficult for me. To be honest, I want to curl up into a ball and lay in bed all day long. I am numb. I am broken. I *HATE* this day.  I hate the memories that plague my mind. I lay awake at night wondering , when will I feel better? When will the pain in my body and mind disappear?

 Here is what I do know:

I am here. I  alive. I swear , every time I hear my babies giggle - I live a little bit more. I am blessed with an amazing partner and husband . I am so fortunate to be here. Ever single thing has changed in a beautiful way. The sun, the stars, birds chirping.....happiness. That is what I try to focus on.

So yes, perhaps today will have some crappy moments. This one day I may pout or cry, but every other day, I need to remember to live.

2 years.....I am here 2 years after they told me they couldn't promise me that I would live through it.