Dirty Laundry....

My husband and I talk...a lot. He had asked me the other day if I missed a certain friend who I deemed my "best " . I responded quite coldly with a "No", and thought - How can you miss something that wasn't even real in the end? It WAS, if anything a friendship, turned acquaintanceship, turned stranger who believed every rumor she heard.

Friendship: Those First few years were so fun.  We lived together. We were like sisters. We went out dancing, flirted with boys, had some crazy parties, made up silly names . It was the quintessential friendship. Besties for ever. We laughed together, cried together. WE were there for each other.

Acquaintanceship: After a while I felt like I missed her. She was married. I went to visit her and her baby all of the time. She made excuses and said it was busy and babies were hard work. I was visiting her and running errands on weekends with her because I loved her. I was happy with trips to Marc's and Giant Eagle . Aunt Colleen would stay in the car with the kids because I loved them. I loved them all, oh so much. But I realized , when I had a birthday, or invited her to come out ( Which was one or 2 times a year).....She never made it. Said she didn't feel like it. Even made a comment to me that she was glad she had a kid because she could use it as an excuse to dodge certain events. and she giggled. and so did I , even though it made me feel bad. I made almost every birthday party.

Her husband came to me one day - tears in his eyes and said .....Thank you for being here. I see the way you are with my kids and wife. Nobody is around like you . We love you. You're more than a friend, you're family. And I teared up. I loved them like a family. They were my heart. I always knew we would be in each others lives and hearts for years to come

Strangers:  where are you my friend? I miss you. I need you. I am so so scared. I am so sick. I think I am dying. You're busy? okay. Maybe next month. I just wanted to grab a coffee, would you hug me. Tell me funny stories about 2000. Boones farm at Parmatown Mall? Remember the Beach Club? Those fun 3 am Breakfasts we had at Reubens? I feel alone. I'm worried about my unborn baby. Cancer is scary. I just need my girlfriends who I love. Where are they? I am so jealous when I see you guys going to dinners, bars, and concerts every weekend. I'm so sorry chemo makes me sick.

 You said next month, and it's been 3....I'm still here, can we?  Damnit. What. Happened?

Lies. 

Something was happening. I think I was growing up. I saw how much effort I was putting into a friendship, and getting maybe 20 percent in return. I used to believe when someone helps you, they're doing it out of kindness. Expecting nothing in return. Thank you sufficed . You didn't go around bragging to others "Look at me  - Look at what I did" 

I deserve something far more than a Thank You. I spent time , I spent money. Look at me! 

 For some reason, that doesn't seem like a component of Philanthropy.  It seems like a narcissistic quality. Wanting recognition, a gold star for a deed done. Exuding entitlement. Because after all , You *are* such a good person. 

But good people do not give and ask for things back. ( Like the baby clothes from when Olivia was a newborn. Or baby toys you gave me that was in the garage because they were outdoor toys. You never seemed to want them back, until you were upset over a lie - and you conveniently wanted it back because you had a baby.) 

And yes, I thought it was wrong when I was told that I  had to sell 30+ tickets to my Cancer benefit while recovering from chemotherapy and having 5 month old baby .  My immune system was down . I was weak and sick. It wasn't exactly ideal to have a bunch of people in and out of my home when we were still so worried if I was going to make it. It was added stress, on an already stressful environment. 

But the cherry on top? Oh that was when you blasted me all over social media . Called me out by name.  Betrayed me by saying some of the most hurtful and vengeful lies for everyone to see. Forced me to apologize to the very people that you talked about badly behind their backs?If they only knew!
 Said my family used you? For what? We were just trying to stay above water. trying not to drown in bills, and I was fighting for my life.

I will never understand why you and my landlord said the things you did. And as for her....She is even worse than you. What she did will follow her for the rest of her life. To kick a family out, while I was going through Cancer treatments?   To say "I am sick of being a landlord" conveniently while her daughter and I are at odds? To tell numerous people I am pulling the Cancer Card?  (whatever the hell that means) Everyone knows what kind of person she is, even you have said it yourself.  Nasty.                 

Judas. That is who you are to me now.

Good People, True People, Caring People....They do not kick others when they are down. They do not just throw money and objects at someone, and then throw it in their face.When someone means something to you, you LOVE them. You *WANT* to help them. Even if you have to drive somewhere that may be 25 minutes away. Because to help a broken hearted person, to see them laugh and smile through the pain, THAT is what truly warms your soul. That should be the reward. 

This whole blog entry is full of the very things that haunt my mind on bad days. I go over and over trying to reason - Why? Why would the people I trusted so much do this to me?  I have such a hard time trusting ANYONE after this. 

Sadly, some people can never see how they are. They are so caught up in themselves, and what they are doing that they cannot see the hurt they have done.

But, after all of this I have learned a lot. I have certainly learned what real friendship is.
Much like after a failed romance , the hurt starts to heal. You learn to smile again. You have more sunshine , and less rain. I can look at where we are now and thank God for EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, because it taught me so much. It led me to this beautiful place where I am. It strengthened me. If anything it made me a better Woman, and an better Mother. It Taught me what NOT to be. One day I can show my girls how to be strong too.  I wish much more for them though.

Now that the dirty laundry is aired , it is time to get a new wardrobe. Move forward, and keep a smile on my face.

Cancer-versary

March 13, 2014. The worst day of my entire life.

Two years ago, I received the heartbreaking news, that I had Cancer.  One hand on my pregnant belly the other barely holding the phone, my heart was heavy. I felt helpless. I worried about my unborn baby. I thought to myself, am I going to be here to see her grow? I worried about Brian, Olivia.....and I worried about death, at 34 years young.  We were supposed to be painting a nursery, preparing for a new baby. Celebrating.  Not setting up an oncology appointment and chemotherapy.

I remember the week that followed, I remember it so vividly....Brian's birthday, smiling through the immense pain and uncertainty. We were both so very sad, confused, completely shocked. All I could do was cry. I was terrified that I wouldn't get to hold my baby, or be a good mom. The crazy part is ..... I didn't know how to handle it. So I cleared my mind, and decided to be as positive as I could. If I failed, there was always tomorrow. My doctor had asked me about advanced directive, I absolutely refused. I was not focusing on that. I was focusing on fighting cancer.

So here I am , my second cancer-versary

The doctors and nurses still speak as if I have cancer. They do not say I am ' cancer free' or ' in remission' I do feel completely confused. I also know that I am here. I  am able to kiss my babies good night. I can't do everything that I used to, but by god....I am present. I make the most of each day.

It breaks me that some of my closest relatives refuse to address my cancer. They have told me to get over it . They cannot be sensitive to the trauma and physical issues I have to this day. They think that since chemo and radiation are over, that everything is back to normal. Don't I wish... If they only knew what life is like.

This day will always be difficult for me. To be honest, I want to curl up into a ball and lay in bed all day long. I am numb. I am broken. I *HATE* this day.  I hate the memories that plague my mind. I lay awake at night wondering , when will I feel better? When will the pain in my body and mind disappear?

 Here is what I do know:

I am here. I  alive. I swear , every time I hear my babies giggle - I live a little bit more. I am blessed with an amazing partner and husband . I am so fortunate to be here. Ever single thing has changed in a beautiful way. The sun, the stars, birds chirping.....happiness. That is what I try to focus on.

So yes, perhaps today will have some crappy moments. This one day I may pout or cry, but every other day, I need to remember to live.

2 years.....I am here 2 years after they told me they couldn't promise me that I would live through it.

Lets Hear it for the Boy!

I must admit.....life has changed a lot since I met Brian.


Funny, most don't know our back-story. We actually met in High School! We hung out with the same group of awesome and fun friends. However, we both were very attracted to each other, but apparently too "teenager" to ask each other out. Honestly, It just wasn't the right time!!

Part of me thinks....oh my gosh, all of that time we wasted being apart. But then I think - would we have lasted back then? We both had a lot of growing to do. And the pieces fell together perfectly.


When you know its right...you just know.

We were inseparable.  Friends gave us the side eye at parties, because we still hung out together. I had people say to me..."you have to spend time apart" and "it's not healthy" . I thought to myself and smiled " I waited my whole life for this man to enter my life, why wouldn't I enjoy him as often as possible"?

I never thought I could be so lucky to meet a man like Brian. He spoke of his sweet little nieces, and how much he loved them. I knew the first day we conversed...."This is a genuine fella right here. Marriage Material" He gave me the butterflies . I was as light as a feather. Twitterpated, If you will.


We embarked upon many adventures, holding each others' hand through it all.....

And Finally, after almost 3 years of dating....He popped the question.

 We enjoyed our short engagement, and had some pretty awesome photos taken!

Photo Credit: Maria Sharron

Photo Credit Maria Sharron

Photo Credit: Veronica Wright

Photo Credit : Veronica Wright

Photo Credit: Veronica Wright

Photo Credit : Veronica Wright

And we moved on to have a Beautiful Wedding, and two Gorgeous little girls.

                                    (Photos by Maria Sharron)

photo: Veronica Wright

And we faced the worst obstacle ever, together - I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer while pregnant.  He could have easily checked out or tried to avoid me...But he didn't. He held my hand through it all. Supporting me through my darkest days. When friends turned away, He was there for me even more. That is a real man. He treated me like a princess. Did we have our bad days ....of course, people, we are human. We argued about diapers, dishes, and stress when we were moving to our new house.
We were always fine the next day. This man, held me when I could not walk. He brought my babies to me when i was in to much pain to hold them. He joked around at chemo to make me smile. He bought me sweet little (but meaningful) tokens of love when I was down. But the Biggest gift of all? His Love, His Devotion, His Heart. He gave me 100 percent. Even when he had nothing, he found the strength within to push through every obstacle. He followed through with every wedding vow,  and raised the bar for men everywhere.

I'm not lucky, I'm Blessed. The very least I can do is shout from the mountaintops, how Fabulous my Husband is. There is nothing in this world that could change that. Anyone who says,or thinks otherwise is truly missing out on having the best friend, brother, son that they could have the pleasure of knowing. Brian is one of those people that you meet in life, and cannot say a negative thing about. His heart is Big. He is my Best friend. He makes me a better person - just by sharing a life with me.


 I will never take for granted the blessings in my life. Brian, has given me the GREATEST Blessings. He has given me Love,a Home, and a Family. He has given me hope, when I truly felt that I couldn't go on. And I am sure that there were times that he felt like it was too much to bear, but he was so damn strong.

Our love in a word ?There aren't enough words to describe it! Timeless. True. Pure. Overflowing.

I Love you Handsome. and Thank You, for being my husband, my friend, and my partner in crime....I mean Life <3

Its cold out there baby!

We have most certainly been spoiled this winter. It has been fairly mild for Ohio....That is until January . We are now getting snow and cold weather.

New Years Eve we had a nice time with the neighbors across the street ! And then last week we had a fun little snow day too!

Our Snow day was a blast!

She takes this cat everywhere!!!!

A rare photo of all the kids ...looking toward me lol

Still has those bright baby blue eyes!

And of course we have fun inside too!!!!!

Notice , as I turn my back Olivia decides to start painting MY page ...hahaha

Fun painting at wine and design in rocky river....Love that place!!Check it out!!

Dinner at Sokolowski's! And by the way, I am sure this is what every 3 year old thinks of the "Leg Lamp"

Cleveland at Night

Amazing how much she has grown!!