Many have been asking how I have been since my first Chemotherapy this past Friday....
It was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life thus far. There is something about having a tiny little life inside of you that makes you look at everything differently. The past 7 months I have nurtured and protected this sweet baby - and she has been healthy and thriving. Walking into Seidman, knowing that I was going to be getting chemo, knowing that this healthy baby was going to have even a tiny exposure to these strong drugs made my heart ache. You could give me a million statistics on how chemo is "safe for the baby" or that there is " a very small chance" of something affecting the baby - it doesn't faze me. I am the girl who is like 1 in 10,000 with stage 3 breast cancer while pregnant. Statistics mean nothing. My Baby, she means everything.
Fear is something we all face....and I faced my biggest fear this past Friday. With Brian by my side , I did it. I cried a million tears, but I did it. This is the beginning of my fight against cancer. And this cancer, is going down. I have way too much to live for!
I felt a little "off" after the chemo, but the first couple hours I was okay. Later in the evening I felt sick and noticed my stomach tightening. The doctors were concerned I may be going into an early labor and had me call southwest to talk to the dr on call at labor & delivery. Unfortunately, after an hour nobody called me. Finally, later another dr called me and told me to count the contractions and if 10 in 1 hour to come to the er.
I was sleep deprived, feeling sick and so worried about my little baby. After 1 hour of counting , I only made it to 7 ~ So I stayed up one more hour and it was only 5. I decided to go to sleep.
I woke up feeling very sick and with a migraine. It went away an hour later - thanks to medicine. I have had some ups and downs. Good a few hours then bad for a few hours. Overall, I feel like this is not as bad as I had anticipated. It is tolerable, and I am getting through it. It is by no means easy. I am feeling a bit fatigued and have to take a nap daily.
The baby has been moving around which is helping me realize she is okay....Brian being here by my side , has given me strength to keep pushing through ... and Olivia, Little miss sunshine herself her smile and laugh and kisses give me the joy I need to keep smiling through these tough times! My sister has been a Godsend, helping us so much - even came over at 2 am saturday morning just to help out when we had our scare. The family we have helping has been amazing. Our friends have been loving and supportive.
A Big THANK YOU to those who have sent cards, care packages, and words of encouragement and love. You have made the cloudy days better, and brighter. I have needed a good pick me up and appreciate all of the support. It helps more than you know.
We Love You All, and God Bless!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
My Biggest Battle....
Well, my results came in. As crazy as it sounds, a small part of me knew I had cancer. I hoped and prayed my instincts were wrong, but on March 13, 2014 at 4:02 pm I received the call. Dr Eyman, my surgeon, seemed very upset and told me he was so very sorry he had to do it over the phone. He was sincere, I heard the sadness in his voice. He told me I had Breast cancer and cancer in my lymph nodes, and would be receiving a call from Dr. Shenk at the UH Seidman Cancer Center. I was crying. Brian looked at me and I silently mouthed to him "I have cancer" . He just looked blank. Shocked. I was a wreck. I had to keep telling myself over and over "I have cancer, I have cancer". It had to sink in and I had to realize that this was not some disgusting nightmare, it was now my reality. I cannot tell you how many times I cried in the past almost 2 weeks.
I met the Doctors this past week. Dr. Shenk is the captain of the team. Dr. Silverman is my Oncologist. Dr. Duchon is my high risk ob. I call them the dream team. They are the best of the best. People travel from other states and countries to be treated by them. I feel blessed, and I trust them. God has brought me to these individuals for a reason. These are the people I will thank for saving my life in several months.
I announced my condition on Facebook. Mainly because I do not want cancer talk to consume my life. I want as much normalcy as possible. I need some space, it is so hard to get call after call and have to explain a million details over and over. It is draining, and I need to save my energy to fight this !
Here is my Facebook Post:
Everyone
has their battles....Mine has just begun. On March 13, 2014 I received
the news that at 7 months pregnant, I have Breast Cancer, as well as
cancer in my lymph nodes. This has been extremely difficult. If I could
ask one thing, please keep Me, Brian, Olivia, and our unborn baby in
your prayers daily. I will start Chemotherapy on Friday March 28th. I
know everyone has concerns, I would ask if
you could please please respect our privacy during this very difficult
time. My main focus is on my family, my health, to have a healthy baby,
and kick this cancer's ass. I will update on my blog, and post a link on
here weekly. Please do not take it personal if I do not respond to you.
As I said, this is the biggest, most emotional battle of my life. I
believe in miracles, I believe in God, and I have faith that I will get
through this and grow old with Brian, and watch my baby girls grow up
and have families of their own. I love you all , and Thank you for
supporting me.
Chemotherapy. 2 days.....In 2 days I will have chemo. It is scary being pregnant and knowing that they will be pumping my body with chemicals that will help me and hurt me. I am trying to stay positive, because that is what will get me through. They are confident baby will be fine - and that comes first in my book !
I did something today that I never thought I would be doing at 34 years young, let alone pregnant.. I received a sacrament called "Anointing of the sick" Now being raised catholic, must of us who learned about this back in the 80's and earlier referred to it as the last rite . Sounds Scary huh? But My parents pastor, Father Brown, calmly explained to me that it is just for those dealing with health issues or even surgery. It can be given multiple times - I will be seeing him again before my surgery, I thought to myself......
It was very quick , and peaceful. I actually feel more calm. I even had him bless the baby, because she is fighting this battle with me.
If you I reading this, PLEASE take one moment out of your day to pray for me. Pray for a healing, a miracle, for strength. Pray for my sweet unborn baby. Pray for my husband and little Olivia. Pray for my family.
We Thank You, and God Bless.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Confessions...
I don't have a diary, or a journal. Just thoughts. They come and go, and I think way too much sometimes.
It has been a hell of week, a hell of a month and a half, really. So here I am , about to get all serious and emotional. It is awkward for me . But I feel like I have to do it for myself, and maybe even for others. First and foremost, I know that like any tribulation in life, nobody will understand what I am going through unless they, themself have lived through the exact same circumstance that I have...... People have said things to me that have been helpful, and there are others who have said things that did nothing but frustrate me, or make things harder. I try and tell myself "they are just trying to help" and I know that they mean well. Others have said nothing at all, which frankly hurts the most.
On Friday March 7th, (at 7 months pregnant), I went in for a double biopsy of my breast, and lymph node. There were a couple of "suspicious masses" found on my left breast, and another on my lymph node under my arm. I will be honest, I was okay with the whole breast mass finding because I am pregnant, and my body is going through so much right now. When they said lymph node, it kind of shocked me. So when the words "suspicious", "lymph node" and "biopsy" were used in a sentence....It scared me.
The doctor was very nice. I knew this was not normal, a pregnant woman getting a biopsy. He called a colleague in to look at the ultrasound before the procedures. The 2 nurses, and doctors said it looked like it could be just an inflammation of the milk ducts, as the milk is already coming in for baby. He felt confident that if he could drain some fluid samples, and the fluid looked good (the right color) that a biopsy may not be needed. So he injected me with lidocaine, then tried to aspirate some fluid. I felt a shooting pain and it got worse each time he tried to pull some fluid. He looked disappointed, and said I am sorry Mrs.Garvin, but I cannot pull any fluid, I cannot try any further, we will have to proceed with the biopsies. I will spare most of the details, but when the doctor took 3 samples from my breast tissue, I felt a stabbing , burning pain that was so awful I do not even know how to describe. My stomach was so cramped up, and tears were flowing. It hurt, and it was constant. I told the Dr and he had to finish the breast biopsy, I had to rough it out. I thought I was going to be numb, I thought I would feel pressure or discomfort. This was horrible. I was so embarrassed, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain - but this was bad. I sobbed because I knew my little baby inside of me felt some kind of stress. This wasn't fair to her. I received another round of lidocaine shots to my underarm by the lymph node. Luckily it was not as painful as the breast biopsy - But I had a constant pain and burning in my breast anyway. When it was over the doctor said I was brave, and he was sorry had to endure this.I apologized for the twelfth time about crying, and the doctor and nurses joked and said what crying.....I didn't see any crying.... and it made me crack a smile of relief and leave with feeling a little better. They understood. they were sympathetic. They knew how hurt and embarrassed I was, and they felt for me.
My doctor prescribed percocet for me. I HATE taking any kind of medicine while pregnant, even tylenol. So this was a big deal. I was told every 4 hours, I think I may have taken 2 in one day but that was it. The pain was horrible. My breast and underarm were bruised and bloody. I could not lift my 20 month old daughter. I had to wait til Thursday for biopsy results..... almost a whole week I have to sit and think...
The pain was way deeper than physical over the next few days. Saturday was the worst. I had been thinking. I was in my daughters room. She was giggling, smiling, and kissing me. Of all things - that is what made me sob. My heart hurt. I thought to myself "what if"? What if I never get to see this beautiful smile grow ? What if I miss this little girl grow up? The kisses , the smiles, the hugs? They are what I LIVE for. I just met her less than 2 years ago. I just started a beautiful life with Brian. This should not be something I have to even think about. What about this new baby? I haven't even held her tiny little hand, kissed her forehead or rocked her to sleep. "What IF"??????Why am I thinking about this? Because I do not know.
Because it is a possibility. Because even a small chance that I may have the "C" word scares me. Being pregnant and going through this is so hard to explain. My emotions are all over. And I cannot control how I feel.
72 hours......within 72 hours I will know what the results are. This is pure torture. I am praying for the best and just want to know. I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally. I am drained and hoping that I will have good news . Please Pray, that is all I have right now.
It has been a hell of week, a hell of a month and a half, really. So here I am , about to get all serious and emotional. It is awkward for me . But I feel like I have to do it for myself, and maybe even for others. First and foremost, I know that like any tribulation in life, nobody will understand what I am going through unless they, themself have lived through the exact same circumstance that I have...... People have said things to me that have been helpful, and there are others who have said things that did nothing but frustrate me, or make things harder. I try and tell myself "they are just trying to help" and I know that they mean well. Others have said nothing at all, which frankly hurts the most.
On Friday March 7th, (at 7 months pregnant), I went in for a double biopsy of my breast, and lymph node. There were a couple of "suspicious masses" found on my left breast, and another on my lymph node under my arm. I will be honest, I was okay with the whole breast mass finding because I am pregnant, and my body is going through so much right now. When they said lymph node, it kind of shocked me. So when the words "suspicious", "lymph node" and "biopsy" were used in a sentence....It scared me.
The doctor was very nice. I knew this was not normal, a pregnant woman getting a biopsy. He called a colleague in to look at the ultrasound before the procedures. The 2 nurses, and doctors said it looked like it could be just an inflammation of the milk ducts, as the milk is already coming in for baby. He felt confident that if he could drain some fluid samples, and the fluid looked good (the right color) that a biopsy may not be needed. So he injected me with lidocaine, then tried to aspirate some fluid. I felt a shooting pain and it got worse each time he tried to pull some fluid. He looked disappointed, and said I am sorry Mrs.Garvin, but I cannot pull any fluid, I cannot try any further, we will have to proceed with the biopsies. I will spare most of the details, but when the doctor took 3 samples from my breast tissue, I felt a stabbing , burning pain that was so awful I do not even know how to describe. My stomach was so cramped up, and tears were flowing. It hurt, and it was constant. I told the Dr and he had to finish the breast biopsy, I had to rough it out. I thought I was going to be numb, I thought I would feel pressure or discomfort. This was horrible. I was so embarrassed, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain - but this was bad. I sobbed because I knew my little baby inside of me felt some kind of stress. This wasn't fair to her. I received another round of lidocaine shots to my underarm by the lymph node. Luckily it was not as painful as the breast biopsy - But I had a constant pain and burning in my breast anyway. When it was over the doctor said I was brave, and he was sorry had to endure this.I apologized for the twelfth time about crying, and the doctor and nurses joked and said what crying.....I didn't see any crying.... and it made me crack a smile of relief and leave with feeling a little better. They understood. they were sympathetic. They knew how hurt and embarrassed I was, and they felt for me.
My doctor prescribed percocet for me. I HATE taking any kind of medicine while pregnant, even tylenol. So this was a big deal. I was told every 4 hours, I think I may have taken 2 in one day but that was it. The pain was horrible. My breast and underarm were bruised and bloody. I could not lift my 20 month old daughter. I had to wait til Thursday for biopsy results..... almost a whole week I have to sit and think...
The pain was way deeper than physical over the next few days. Saturday was the worst. I had been thinking. I was in my daughters room. She was giggling, smiling, and kissing me. Of all things - that is what made me sob. My heart hurt. I thought to myself "what if"? What if I never get to see this beautiful smile grow ? What if I miss this little girl grow up? The kisses , the smiles, the hugs? They are what I LIVE for. I just met her less than 2 years ago. I just started a beautiful life with Brian. This should not be something I have to even think about. What about this new baby? I haven't even held her tiny little hand, kissed her forehead or rocked her to sleep. "What IF"??????Why am I thinking about this? Because I do not know.
Because it is a possibility. Because even a small chance that I may have the "C" word scares me. Being pregnant and going through this is so hard to explain. My emotions are all over. And I cannot control how I feel.
72 hours......within 72 hours I will know what the results are. This is pure torture. I am praying for the best and just want to know. I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally. I am drained and hoping that I will have good news . Please Pray, that is all I have right now.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Hello 3rd Trimester!
I cannot believe that I am in the third trimester......
This pregnancy has been pretty rough, all around. The first 4 months I was plagued with Hyperemesis Gravidarum also known as severe morning sickness, lost 10 pounds, and felt like I would never be able to eat normally again. I had to go to the ER for dehydration, and was so scared for my baby's well being. Luckily baby was okay, and by taking a daily zophran I was able to *usually* make it through the day without throwing up. Slowly but surely - I was feeling better ! I got rid of a few negative people in my life too, which was a huge bonus for me! Stress was not needed, and was certainly unhealthy for my baby and me. I only want good people around me, ones who enrich my life and are positive. The people around you should be a reflection of who you are, your morals, and who you want to be around.
That being said, the ones who *are* in my life have been a great support to me in my latest challenge. The ones who have called, came to visit, and actually been there and offered words of encouragement - those are the people I cherish most. My Breast Biopsies are scheduled for this Friday. I am nervous, but I know that I am in God's hands and whatever he has in store for me is the path that I must take.
On a happy and positive note I am excited that in just 3 short months, we will meet our little princess!
She is approximately 3+ pounds, and 14 inches long. She is kicking up a storm too.
Olivia is starting to realize that somethings going on. I recently did something I swore I would never do...I purchased 2 adorable matching outfits for her and the new baby for this summer. I showed her both , and at first she was completely floored. She looked at me like I was crazy. But every morning, she pats my belly, pulls my shirt up, giggles, and says baby! So I know she is starting to grasp the concept that soon enough there will be another little person here.
This pregnancy has been pretty rough, all around. The first 4 months I was plagued with Hyperemesis Gravidarum also known as severe morning sickness, lost 10 pounds, and felt like I would never be able to eat normally again. I had to go to the ER for dehydration, and was so scared for my baby's well being. Luckily baby was okay, and by taking a daily zophran I was able to *usually* make it through the day without throwing up. Slowly but surely - I was feeling better ! I got rid of a few negative people in my life too, which was a huge bonus for me! Stress was not needed, and was certainly unhealthy for my baby and me. I only want good people around me, ones who enrich my life and are positive. The people around you should be a reflection of who you are, your morals, and who you want to be around.
That being said, the ones who *are* in my life have been a great support to me in my latest challenge. The ones who have called, came to visit, and actually been there and offered words of encouragement - those are the people I cherish most. My Breast Biopsies are scheduled for this Friday. I am nervous, but I know that I am in God's hands and whatever he has in store for me is the path that I must take.
On a happy and positive note I am excited that in just 3 short months, we will meet our little princess!
She is approximately 3+ pounds, and 14 inches long. She is kicking up a storm too.
Olivia is starting to realize that somethings going on. I recently did something I swore I would never do...I purchased 2 adorable matching outfits for her and the new baby for this summer. I showed her both , and at first she was completely floored. She looked at me like I was crazy. But every morning, she pats my belly, pulls my shirt up, giggles, and says baby! So I know she is starting to grasp the concept that soon enough there will be another little person here.
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| Our crazy little lady |
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| Aunt Lisa got her a "Blue " doll, and made clues too! |
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| Loving her Books |
Monday, March 3, 2014
Lunch Meeting / Engagement shoot
I have played around with my new camera ever since Olivia was born , and have gotten some awesome photos. Back in October 2013 My friend Heather's little sister Natalie got engaged. I know how much they cost - so I told her to tell her sis I would do some engagement photos, edit and put on a disk. Natalie called me and said sure - I was super excited , as I practically watched her grow from a little girl, to a mommy and soon to be wife <3 I felt honored.
We went to a local park and Natalie , her soon to be Husband, and daughter all were part of the photos! Heather kept dodging the camera - or I would have gotten her too !!! We met up for lunch and chatted about everything , and it just inspired me to share the engagement shoot on my blog :)
Here are some highlights :
Colleen Garvin 2013 © all rights reserved
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Snowflakes and Smooches!
It has been a long week. I blame a lot of this feeling on the weather! It seems as soon as one snowstorm is over, another one jumps in. Just this past Sunday, I had a familiar (and horrifying) episode of Deja Vu. I was driving to the IX Center to work the one shift this month I had scheduled for work. I nearly got into a car accident. It was horrifying being 6+ months pregnant and watching your car fishtail , just like the 2 vehicles in front of you, followed by a red Mazda spinning out of control inches in front of you. I was only going about 45 mph, the Mazda appeared to be going around 70! The Mazda slammed into an SUV that was in the "original" accident (which was partially in the lane that I was in). Something was there with me that morning, and I know that God had sent an angel to guide me and my unborn baby safely. My whole body was trembling, even my teeth were chattering. I was truly blessed to be spared, to be able to leave without any harm. What a beautiful thing it was to come home to my husband and sweet Olivia that night. I kissed them and hugged them a little tighter.
Olivia has been really affectionate lately, and as any Mama ~ I LOVE it! She has been kissing me .... over and over again! It is so sweet to see this side of her. I love when she kisses me and then immediately leans in for several more smooches......She also is starting to understand I have a little baby growing in my belly (I am guessing because it is growing larger) . She will rub my belly, smile and say "baby" . Sometimes she will rest her head on my belly and wrap her arm around me and just smile. It is such a precious moment!
I recently came across a quote online and made a sweet little picture - I want to have this printed out for Olivia and the new baby and frame it :
Olivia has been really affectionate lately, and as any Mama ~ I LOVE it! She has been kissing me .... over and over again! It is so sweet to see this side of her. I love when she kisses me and then immediately leans in for several more smooches......She also is starting to understand I have a little baby growing in my belly (I am guessing because it is growing larger) . She will rub my belly, smile and say "baby" . Sometimes she will rest her head on my belly and wrap her arm around me and just smile. It is such a precious moment!
I recently came across a quote online and made a sweet little picture - I want to have this printed out for Olivia and the new baby and frame it :
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| How Beautiful is this?! |
Valentine's Day was so sweet. It sucked that Brian had to work the evening , but we made the morning and afternoon special....We got Olivia a card and some toy trucks! I had noticed at a recent play date that she loved the toy cars and airplanes, so Brian picked up a small set . She absolutely loved them and played with them all day. She calls pretty much any vehicle a "car" which is cute.
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