Olivia is 2!

It seems like just yesterday we welcomed our little Olivia into the world.....

It is amazing reflecting on the past 2 years she has been in our lives. ..From a teeny 6 pound little baby, to the sweetest little girl I have ever met. She never ceases to amaze me . I tell Brian she is like a miniature Lucille Ball, always doing these silly,  hilarious things -and she knows she is funny too! Her smile is contagious.... Every day that I wake her in the morning I thank God for blessing us. It is such a gift to be able to call her ours. Even through the hardest days - I look into those big brown eyes and my heart melts. She truly inspires me to push through every single day. Her innocence and beauty give me hope and joy. Such a gift to be able to watch her grow up...

Mama, Daddy, and Sophia had a special celebration the day of Olivia's actual Birthday....It was so fun and by the end of the day - the birthday girl was exhausted!

Hello Kitty all around

2 candles for the Birthday Girl

So excited

She wanted the candles back

First Mr Potato Head

Birthday Hello Kitty

First Barbie !

Every girl loves shopping!

We were having a hard time deciding if we were going to have a big party due to my sickness, but anyone who knows me, knows that my sweet girl was going to get a party meant for a princess! Brian and I decided to have it at the Metroparks Cottonwood Reserve Pavilion. It was a lovely day . It was little sister Sophia's first big outing too!

Here are some pictures from her big day:

The extra guest that everyone loved !

Beautiful Cupcakes done by Jaclyn

Mama made the cake and topper !

Birthday Girl is tired!

Feeding her Pony

My Awesome sister

My Best Friend of 15 years

Best Auntie Ever!

Sophia posing for Mama

Our little Sweetheart

Add caption

Sister love

Had to change into the tennis shoes so Miss Olivia could run and be free!

I love capturing these moments

Being 2 is FUN

An open letter .

Dear Lady driving the Ford Escape,

You must not have noticed, but you almost hit my car speeding past me to avoid a lane closure.
I noticed, because my heart skipped a beat as you flew by. I wondered where you were going, and why you had to attempt such a stunt. It really made me sad when you pulled into Wendy's for what I am assuming was lunch. You see, It bugs me when people drive as carelessly as you do for many reasons. Mainly, because I have two of the most adorable little girls at home who call me Mama. And a Handsome fella that I vowed "till death do us part" less than three short years ago.  And three short years ago death seemed like something about 60 years in the future.


But sadly, I am battling way more than your careless driving. I am battling stage 3 cancer. And yes, it sucks - even more so than your driving..


You see, I don't rush anymore while driving. It is not worth it. I want to beat this cancer - and a year from now proclaim I am cancer free , and a survivor.  I want to walk my little girls to their first day of kindergarten , and cry like a baby when they smile, wave, and exclaim " bye mama"! I want to kiss boo boo's and scraped knees, Hug them and let them crawl into my bed after a bad nightmare. To hear the sweet childhood giggles of two little girls - just like my parents did. To see them get all dressed up in frilly white dresses and make their first communion. To take cool family vacations - and maybe even that dream trip to Hawaii for Brian and I alone. To watch them grow into Junior High Schoolers who know way more than me, who roll their eyes when I forbid them to wear that dress (because its just too short). To be able to hold them and wipe the tears from their eyes when that first crush breaks her heart.  And of course I want to see them get all glammed up for prom, and watch them walk with their fellow classmates and graduate . As much as it will break me , to send them off to college and let them fly on their own. But I know they will meet that special guy - not that jerk from junior high - A great guy who asks her father and I for our blessing, gets down on one knee and asks her to be his wife. Oh and grand-babies of course !To have milestone Anniversaries with the man I fell madly in love with. To grow old and gray together and think ..."wow, it wasn't easy, but we didi it. And we did a damn good job" ! These are a few short , but meaningful precious moments in life that I want to witness.


So please, before you decide to hit the gas and narrowly miss hitting that car , think to yourself - why am I rushing. Take the time to slow down, and think. Your actions may have consequences. You could hit that car..... That car with the newborn baby driving home for the first time. That car with a single mom whose husband is serving overseas. That car with an elderly couple in it who have been married for 50 years.That car with the woman who just found out she is pregnant. That car with a man who just found out he lost his best friend. That car with a young adult driving off to college for the first time. That car with the woman battling cancer who has 2 babies and a man who need her.

Life is short, and precious.

Slow down, nothing is worth someones future, someones forever....

Sleepless night.

It's ten o'clock on a Thursday night.  I should be sleeping, but I can't.  I haven't written on my blog for a month, and to be honest  - it upsets me. I want to be able to be normal, and do little things like enter a few paragraphs on my blog. I know that it is not the end of the world, and I can't sleep for a million different reasons.

 My chemo has been an absolute nightmare. I have had almost every possible side effect. The main ones are neuropathy in my hands and feet, and severe bone pain and muscle pain. I could barely walk some days. This past Tuesday was so bad I was in bed half the day crying....begging God for mercy . I have never in my life felt such overwhelming pain and sickness. I hated that my husband and babies had seen this side of me. Percocet and other meds did nothing. I have been on anti seizure medicine for the stabbing pain in my feet. I normally never complain, but this is so crazy. My quality of life has drastically changed. The good news is my last major chemo is in August. So I should start to feel better in September some time. ...I hope.

 I am so glad my babies will not recollect any of this.  For the most part , I have kept to myself and not divulged most of the feelings I bottle inside... but lately, I have been so overwhelmed with life. Most people pity me, but they also don't understand me. I am fighting for my life here, and unless you have been in my shoes nothing you say or do can help or make me feel better. I don't mean to hurt anyone or make them feel bad , trust me , I don't want to deal with cancer and all the strings attached. But this is a long process.  Do I want to do things like go out ? Yes! But the reality is brutal. I can't really do much until I am well. And even when I am well, I will have a slew of emotional issues to deal with. So I may not mentally be up for it. I am so scared of the road that lies ahead.

 I really do feel quite alone at times...even though I am constantly holding babies or chilling with the husband. I feel alone because I  have this horrible cancer that wants to take over my body. I hate it so much. I  don't understand why it is here, why my life was turned upside down . The only thing I know is that my girls and husband help me go on. I fight for them. They need me and I need them .  The greatest gift in the world is the miracle of bringing life into the world with someone you love..And to see those little babies love you back so purely and unconditionally,  that is what really tugs on my heart strings.So with that being said, I can end this blog entry on a positive note. And maybe even get some sleep.....

The bad, and the ugly...

I tried to update my blog weekly, or at least bi-weekly...But life has become so chaotic, I find myself overwhelmed with the baby, doctor appointments, and just day to day life.

I guess I will start with the  not so nice stuff and move up to the amazing parts of our life.  The Chemo has really started to affect me. My hair is mostly gone. It is a very hard thing to get used to , and was by far the most traumatic thing for me to encounter (other than the cancer diagnosis). I have also lost all of my long pretty eyelashes and half of my eyebrows. I have very short lashes now, which is quite an adjustment. I must say this has humbled me greatly. It has also weakened me. I guess having long hair and lush lashes were like a super-power to me in a way. I know one day they will be back, but right now I feel like a part of "me" is missing. I know now that beauty is beyond the things that we see on tv and in magazines....

I have good days and bad days. I recall my third chemo, the nurses insisted on giving us a room with a bed so that Brian and I could catch a nap. He was so sweet, while I was waiting to get my lab results to be cleared for chemo Brian  bought me Michelle Knights book (which I had hinted that I wanted to read) and a pretty butterfly bookmark to go with it. It gave me a small moment of happiness... As I lay there in the bed , getting this strong dose of chemo, Brian slept. And all I could think about was him, our life, our precious girls, and how I had stage 3 cancer. And I wept, silently. My heart was so consumed with fear and sadness and I had to let it out. Nobody saw it.... well God did . I had prayed to him. I was angry at him too. I feel this overwhelming bi-polarness every now and then. I have a lot of anger. I am dealing with it the best I can.

There are certain "close" family members who never picked up the phone or sent a card, or emailed me since my diagnosis in March. This really hurt and disgusts me. Family should be there for each other - even if you cannot stand to pick up a phone and offer condolences or warm words, an email would have sufficed, and shown that you at the very least addressed it and are thinking of me. 3 and a half months and not one word of support regarding my cancer. unfuckingbelievable. Yes , I totally dropped an   f - bomb on my blog. I am hurt . disgusted. and disappointed. I don't like excuses when it comes to serious things like this, and frankly if you can email me about an upcoming birthday party, or wish me a happy easter the least you could do is take 2 minutes out of your busy schedule to say "hey, I  am thinking of you. I am so sorry that you are enduring this nightmare. I don't know what else to say except for I love you. I am here for you ". I really do not think I am asking for a whole lot. There is a Kenny Chesney song "Find out who your friends are" Sucks when you can relate your family to this type of circumstance. When you hit rock bottom, you truly find out who really cares, because actions speak. I feel like I had to let this pain out, and believe me for the handful of people whom I had assumed would be there and weren't - There are so many lovely beautiful and caring ones who have been there.

The Chemo has been rough. I feel pretty sick , and to top it off I receive a shot a couple days after that makes me even sicker the the chemo itself . I can barely walk due to horrible bone and muscle pain (think the flu x 5). Thanks to my sister and mom for coming over at night to help with the baby those couple days! We really needed the help and you totally pulled through . It is not easy as a mother having to rely on others to care for your children , especially your 4 week old newborn. It is heartbreaking when I do not have the strength to hold my almost 2 year old, or go outside and play. I cry the most on days like these. Thankfully within a week or so I am back to *almost* me again.It is hard getting an hour or two of sleep here and there due to Sophia's schedule, but we are making it work. It is exhausting and tremendously stressful - but the moments I am holding her , watching her look up into mama's eyes make all of the lack of sleep worth it.

I received my last AC Chemo last week!

Now I have approximately 6 New type of chemo sessions to go ( through September), and then I get re-evaluated and they tell me what type of surgery I will be receiving. I have to have surgery because it spread to my lymph nodes.

So Now for the fun stuff ! Olivia is turning 2 soon, and Sophia had her newborn pictures. I feel that the pictures show the beauty and joy we have been seeing so her goes :

Hello World!!!!

Surprise ! Most of our family and friends were surprised to find out that I was induced into labor, and a Beautiful, little Sophia Rose Garvin entered the world on May 16, 2014 at 4:21 pm. She weighed in at a healthy 6 pounds 14 ounces, and  20 inches long.

After carefully weighing all options , I decided against putting my sweet little princess through another round of chemotherapy. I was told being induced ( a little less than 2 weeks early) would be totally safe for baby, and would get me back on track with the chemo treatments sooner. I went in to Southwest on Thursday night, and the pitocin (induction) started at around 8:45 am Friday morning. My amazing hubby picked me up some McDonalds for breakfast right before the induction. I thoroughly enjoyed my McMuffin and Mocha Frappe :)  We were fortunate enough to have auntie Lisa stay and watch Olivia (and Kitty) overnight. It was a super slow start, I was only dilated 1 and a half cm - for those of you who have not experienced childbirth, it's really not that much. While Brian went to go home and check in on Olivia and spend some time with her , I had started getting contractions. My  doctor checked me and I was only about 3 and a half centimeters, so she decided to break my water to try and make some progress. I was scared to get an epidural, but really needed one. My doctor told me that it was okay. I was in tears - because I did not want to get it too early and risk stressing baby out or needing a c- section. My doctor assured me everything would be okay. She was so reassuring and I trusted her with my baby's life , and mine after how amazing she has been throughout this whole pregnancy.

Thank GOD for Epidurals. 20 minutes later my pain was gone and I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of my labor.Brian had arrived while I got the epidural which was a good thing . . . .Because about an hour later, I told the nurse I felt pressure and pain and was concerned the epidural was wearing off. She checked me and told me to push a little bit. She looked up at me and said " Don't do that again ! You are ready to have a baby NOW . Let me call the doctor " All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness, and excitement. Two nurses started to wheel in carts and directly after was my doctor, grinning ear to ear , saying it was time for baby! I am not exaggerating when I say , I literally had her out in 2 pushes.  The first push was like deja vu from Olivia's delivery " Look at all of that hair!!!!!" my doctor exclaimed . Then, she was out the very next push.

It seemed like almost immediately she was in my arms laying on top of me. This tiny, beautiful, little miracle that I carried for 9 months was finally here. I feel that all babies are miracles, but Sophia is my little miracle. Not only was she part of me, but she went through my darkest, and saddest moments with me . She helped me through my biggest fears without even speaking to me or knowing how to comfort me ...She was just there. Her presence alone was enough. We all have guardian angels that watch over us and are AROUND us, But My Sweet Sophia was my guardian angel from WITHIN. She was the closest thing to my heart, and she understood what I was going through. My only regret is that she had to endure it . As her mama, all I want to do is protect her, and I did what I could given the circumstances. As the tears of joy flowed from my eyes, I looked at Brian . . . .He was mesmerized by our beautiful newborn girl. There is nothing more amazing than bringing a baby into this world with the one you love. And Love is what we have, and Love is what will get us through.

Right after she was born <3

Mama, Daddy, and Sophia minutes after she was born

Proud Daddy!

Mama and her Angel

Olivia's first time meeting her baby sister ! Her face is priceless!

She finally warmed up to Sophia

Cute hospital hat

Here are a few sneak peeks of hospital photos . . . . And we also had a newborn session when Sophia was 1 week old . Our friend Veronica (who did Olivia's stunning newborn pics) did a session with us again!

Love that little tongue sticking out

We did it my sweet girl.  .  .  . 

Our little Sweetheart