I guess I will start with the not so nice stuff and move up to the amazing parts of our life. The Chemo has really started to affect me. My hair is mostly gone. It is a very hard thing to get used to , and was by far the most traumatic thing for me to encounter (other than the cancer diagnosis). I have also lost all of my long pretty eyelashes and half of my eyebrows. I have very short lashes now, which is quite an adjustment. I must say this has humbled me greatly. It has also weakened me. I guess having long hair and lush lashes were like a super-power to me in a way. I know one day they will be back, but right now I feel like a part of "me" is missing. I know now that beauty is beyond the things that we see on tv and in magazines....
I have good days and bad days. I recall my third chemo, the nurses insisted on giving us a room with a bed so that Brian and I could catch a nap. He was so sweet, while I was waiting to get my lab results to be cleared for chemo Brian bought me Michelle Knights book (which I had hinted that I wanted to read) and a pretty butterfly bookmark to go with it. It gave me a small moment of happiness... As I lay there in the bed , getting this strong dose of chemo, Brian slept. And all I could think about was him, our life, our precious girls, and how I had stage 3 cancer. And I wept, silently. My heart was so consumed with fear and sadness and I had to let it out. Nobody saw it.... well God did . I had prayed to him. I was angry at him too. I feel this overwhelming bi-polarness every now and then. I have a lot of anger. I am dealing with it the best I can.
There are certain "close" family members who never picked up the phone or sent a card, or emailed me since my diagnosis in March. This really hurt and disgusts me. Family should be there for each other - even if you cannot stand to pick up a phone and offer condolences or warm words, an email would have sufficed, and shown that you at the very least addressed it and are thinking of me. 3 and a half months and not one word of support regarding my cancer. unfuckingbelievable. Yes , I totally dropped an f - bomb on my blog. I am hurt . disgusted. and disappointed. I don't like excuses when it comes to serious things like this, and frankly if you can email me about an upcoming birthday party, or wish me a happy easter the least you could do is take 2 minutes out of your busy schedule to say "hey, I am thinking of you. I am so sorry that you are enduring this nightmare. I don't know what else to say except for I love you. I am here for you ". I really do not think I am asking for a whole lot. There is a Kenny Chesney song "Find out who your friends are" Sucks when you can relate your family to this type of circumstance. When you hit rock bottom, you truly find out who really cares, because actions speak. I feel like I had to let this pain out, and believe me for the handful of people whom I had assumed would be there and weren't - There are so many lovely beautiful and caring ones who have been there.
The Chemo has been rough. I feel pretty sick , and to top it off I receive a shot a couple days after that makes me even sicker the the chemo itself . I can barely walk due to horrible bone and muscle pain (think the flu x 5). Thanks to my sister and mom for coming over at night to help with the baby those couple days! We really needed the help and you totally pulled through . It is not easy as a mother having to rely on others to care for your children , especially your 4 week old newborn. It is heartbreaking when I do not have the strength to hold my almost 2 year old, or go outside and play. I cry the most on days like these. Thankfully within a week or so I am back to *almost* me again.It is hard getting an hour or two of sleep here and there due to Sophia's schedule, but we are making it work. It is exhausting and tremendously stressful - but the moments I am holding her , watching her look up into mama's eyes make all of the lack of sleep worth it.
I received my last AC Chemo last week!
Now I have approximately 6 New type of chemo sessions to go ( through September), and then I get re-evaluated and they tell me what type of surgery I will be receiving. I have to have surgery because it spread to my lymph nodes.
So Now for the fun stuff ! Olivia is turning 2 soon, and Sophia had her newborn pictures. I feel that the pictures show the beauty and joy we have been seeing so her goes :
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.