Sleepless night.

It's ten o'clock on a Thursday night.  I should be sleeping, but I can't.  I haven't written on my blog for a month, and to be honest  - it upsets me. I want to be able to be normal, and do little things like enter a few paragraphs on my blog. I know that it is not the end of the world, and I can't sleep for a million different reasons.

 My chemo has been an absolute nightmare. I have had almost every possible side effect. The main ones are neuropathy in my hands and feet, and severe bone pain and muscle pain. I could barely walk some days. This past Tuesday was so bad I was in bed half the day crying....begging God for mercy . I have never in my life felt such overwhelming pain and sickness. I hated that my husband and babies had seen this side of me. Percocet and other meds did nothing. I have been on anti seizure medicine for the stabbing pain in my feet. I normally never complain, but this is so crazy. My quality of life has drastically changed. The good news is my last major chemo is in August. So I should start to feel better in September some time. ...I hope.

 I am so glad my babies will not recollect any of this.  For the most part , I have kept to myself and not divulged most of the feelings I bottle inside... but lately, I have been so overwhelmed with life. Most people pity me, but they also don't understand me. I am fighting for my life here, and unless you have been in my shoes nothing you say or do can help or make me feel better. I don't mean to hurt anyone or make them feel bad , trust me , I don't want to deal with cancer and all the strings attached. But this is a long process.  Do I want to do things like go out ? Yes! But the reality is brutal. I can't really do much until I am well. And even when I am well, I will have a slew of emotional issues to deal with. So I may not mentally be up for it. I am so scared of the road that lies ahead.

 I really do feel quite alone at times...even though I am constantly holding babies or chilling with the husband. I feel alone because I  have this horrible cancer that wants to take over my body. I hate it so much. I  don't understand why it is here, why my life was turned upside down . The only thing I know is that my girls and husband help me go on. I fight for them. They need me and I need them .  The greatest gift in the world is the miracle of bringing life into the world with someone you love..And to see those little babies love you back so purely and unconditionally,  that is what really tugs on my heart strings.So with that being said, I can end this blog entry on a positive note. And maybe even get some sleep.....