part 2 ....updates

Well, I made the decision to cut (almost) all of my hair off. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But is nothing in comparison to what lies ahead....My lovely hairdresser Rachel came to us (bless her heart) so that I would be more comfortable during this emotional process. She is seriously one of the most lovely people I know!

So here is the finished product:

It has been a week since my new cut, and the inevitable is happening. I am losing my hair. I am glad it is not long 10 inch strands covering my pillow, or in the shower.....It is very, very hard for me. I am scared to even brush or style it at this point, because I know that a bunch of strands will come out, even just running my fingers through it.

I have my second round of chemo tomorrow. In a way, it is symbolic to me being on "Good Friday". I think of how Jesus suffered, and know that he will be with me especially on this day. I am still scared to go. I know I have done it once before, but I still feel sick just thinking about it. The past few days have been rough because I know that things are getting harder. I still think that every tear that I cry, makes me a little stronger. By the time this whole ordeal is over, I will be pretty bad ass!

We had another pretty day, It was 70 Degrees out this past Saturday, then 76 degrees on Sunday!

Nikki got me my first edible arrangement, It was yummy and I loved the message attached!!!:

Sunday we went outside with Olivia and enjoyed the nice warm weather for a bit!

Family Time...and other news!

With Brian being off work more often, we have gotten to finally spend some family time together. It has been wonderful! We went to to the park, and also our dear friend took some photos of us at the Botanical Garden. I wanted some family pictures before the new baby came, and before my hair was gone too. I will share those pictures when we get them.

We have had a couple pretty days, and took Olivia to the park. One day in particular we snapped a few pictures and I wanted to share. Normally we would walk to the park and walk around for an hour or so, marveling at Olivia's reaction to dogs and birds etc.... This time was a bit different for me. Being 7+ months pregnant , I have been getting braxton hicks contractions. Throw in the chemotherapy on top, and I was pretty tired after ten minutes of walking. I told Brian to go ahead and walk around for a while , and I would hang out on the bench and enjoy the pretty view. My heart ached not being able to walk with him and Olivia. As I walked to the bench, tears in my eyes, I talked to God :  This hurts, I want to be with them walking. Please let me get better. I don't mind sitting on the bench this season, but Please Lord , Let me come back - healthy, new, and better than ever .  I stared at a small pond in the distance. The breeze hit the water and it sparkled and glistened as the sunlight hit it.  Beautiful.  I cried so hard, and it felt kind of good to release some of the feelings I had been holding inside. Hell, I am crying right now as I type this. I swear I see the smallest things that I never noticed before. To say I have an even better appreciation for the little things in life ,  is an understatement. Brian and Olivia came back and Brian wanted to snap a few pics of Olivia with me on the bench. I felt peaceful and loved watching her look at the birds and nature around us.

Rain & Rainbows......

Where do I begin? Life has been a roller coaster these past few weeks   -   filled with ups and downs.  I am preparing for losing my hair, which should start happening this weekend. My scalp is itchy and starting to hurt, and I am noticing a small amount of hair loss, luckily nothing shocking yet. Something about my hair that represents "me". I know it is going to be temporary ( a year - due to my split chemo sessions) , but it sucks when some people make comments like "Oh its only temporary" . Part of me wants to snap back with "Okay, then you do it too! You shave your head for the next 8 months and tell me how it feels" As a woman , hair can define you, it is part of feeling feminine. It is part of your identity.   I worry most about how my daughter will respond to it. I hope she is not afraid of me.I know some people may think, with all Colleen has going on, why is she worrying about her hair? My answer is simple - Because I have feelings ( a lot of them right now), and it hurts. I am allowed to hurt , and cry , and feel sad sometimes.  Some days, I feel great - and others I sob like the hormone filled, pregnant, cancer patient that I am .  I am getting through this, that is the beautiful thing. For each day plagued with fear, sorrow, and what if's - I have another day filled with happiness, giggles , and love from my Husband and Daughter. I get support and love from friends and family.

And So I titled this blog "Rain & Rainbows" . You need the Raindrops, to form the beautiful Rainbow.....

I started out on the sad side, and now I want to show you the happy, sunny side of my journey thus far :

Words Cannot Express how thankful we are for the love and support that we have received the past 2 weeks. Every time I get a card in the mail, it warms my heart. Thank you to each and every person who has sent cards, they are all so lovely.  My sister has come over to help watch Olivia or just hang out . Our parents have reached out and helped us. My Hair dresser Rachel has went above and beyond , what a great lady ! I have received a care package from a couple of ladies (Alice, Ginger, Angie)  from high school and it cheered me up so much!Our friends have set up a dinner delivery for Thursday nights to help and we appreciate it so much. One less night to worry about preparing dinner! And may I add, our dinners so far have been delicious! Amanda and Danny brought a cheesy broccoli - chicken casserole that was amazing, and Ice Cream too, and to top it off cute little Arlo came along  :) Our Second dinner, Joe Brought us a fabulous Lasagna, Asparagus, and Garlic Bread! Olivia chowed down on it and loved it as much as we did!!  There are a few people in particular that have been beyond generous.....I want to scream out from the rooftops how amazing they are! There are so many good deeds that have been done - and due to privacy reasons our most sincere "Thank You, you know who you are " is all that I can say on this blog. But in private I have reached out and spoken . I wish I could thank you all in some amazing way.....All that I have are words right now. But they are words from my heart. They are deep, they are sincere, and they are full of LOVE. I hope that one day I could bring joy and light to each and every one of you in the same way that you have touched our lives. I look forward to the day years from now , when I can turn to my daughters and show them how much love and compassion we had from our family and friends. It would be the highest blessing for them to experience even half of what we have encountered thus far!

Just An Update....

Many have been asking how I have been since my first Chemotherapy this past Friday....

It was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life thus far. There is something about having a tiny little life inside of you that makes you look at everything differently. The past 7 months I have nurtured and protected this sweet baby - and she has been healthy and thriving. Walking into Seidman, knowing that I was going to be getting chemo, knowing that this healthy baby was going to have even a tiny exposure to these strong drugs made my heart ache. You could give me a million statistics on how chemo is "safe for the baby" or that there is " a very small chance" of something affecting the baby - it doesn't faze me. I am the girl who is like 1 in 10,000  with stage 3 breast cancer while pregnant. Statistics mean nothing. My Baby, she means everything.

Fear is something we all face....and I faced my biggest fear this past Friday. With Brian by my side , I did it. I cried a million tears, but I did it. This is the beginning of my fight against cancer. And this cancer, is going down. I have way too much to live for!

I felt a little "off" after the chemo, but the first couple hours I was okay. Later in the evening I felt sick and noticed my stomach tightening. The doctors were concerned I may be going into an early  labor and had me call southwest to talk to the dr on call at labor & delivery. Unfortunately, after an hour nobody called me. Finally, later another dr called me and told me to count the contractions and if 10 in 1 hour to come to the er.
I was sleep deprived, feeling sick and so worried about my little baby. After 1 hour of counting , I only made it to 7 ~  So I stayed up one more hour and it was only 5.    I decided to go to sleep.

I woke up feeling very sick and with a migraine. It went away an hour later - thanks to medicine. I have had some ups and downs. Good a few hours then bad for a few hours. Overall, I feel like this is not as bad as I had anticipated. It is tolerable, and I am getting through it. It is by no means easy. I am feeling a bit fatigued and have to take a nap daily.

The baby has been moving around which is helping me realize she is okay....Brian being here by my side , has given me strength to keep pushing through ...  and Olivia, Little miss sunshine herself her smile and laugh and kisses give me the joy I need to keep smiling through these tough times! My sister has been a Godsend, helping us so much - even came over at 2 am saturday morning just to help out when we had our scare. The family we have helping has been amazing. Our friends have been loving and supportive.

A Big THANK YOU to those who have sent cards, care packages, and words of encouragement and love. You have made the cloudy days better, and brighter. I have needed a good pick me up and appreciate all of the support. It helps more than you know.

We Love You All, and God Bless!

My Biggest Battle....

Well, my results came in. As crazy as it sounds, a small part of me knew I had cancer. I hoped and prayed my instincts were wrong, but on March 13, 2014 at 4:02 pm I received the call. Dr Eyman, my surgeon, seemed very upset and told me he was so very sorry he had to do it over the phone. He was sincere, I heard the sadness in his voice. He told me I had Breast cancer and cancer in my lymph nodes, and would be receiving a call from Dr. Shenk at the UH Seidman Cancer Center.  I was crying. Brian looked at me and I silently mouthed to him  "I have cancer" . He just looked blank.  Shocked.  I was a wreck.  I had to keep telling myself over and over "I have cancer, I have cancer".  It had to sink in and I had to realize that this was not some disgusting nightmare, it was now my reality. I cannot tell you how many times I cried in the past almost 2 weeks. 

I met the Doctors this past week. Dr. Shenk is the captain of the team. Dr. Silverman is my Oncologist.       Dr. Duchon is my high risk ob. I call them the dream team. They are the best of the best. People travel from other states and countries to be treated by them. I feel blessed, and I trust them. God has brought me to these individuals for a reason. These are the people I will thank for saving my life in several months. 

I announced my condition on Facebook. Mainly because I do not want cancer talk to consume my life. I want as much normalcy as possible. I need some space, it is so hard to get call after call and have to explain a million details over and over. It is draining, and I need to save my energy to fight this !

Here is my Facebook Post:

March 22

Everyone has their battles....Mine has just begun. On March 13, 2014 I received the news that at 7 months pregnant, I have Breast Cancer, as well as cancer in my lymph nodes. This has been extremely difficult. If I could ask one thing, please keep Me, Brian, Olivia, and our unborn baby in your prayers daily. I will start Chemotherapy on Friday March 28th. I know everyone has concerns, I would ask if you could please please respect our privacy during this very difficult time. My main focus is on my family, my health, to have a healthy baby, and kick this cancer's ass. I will update on my blog, and post a link on here weekly. Please do not take it personal if I do not respond to you. As I said, this is the biggest, most emotional battle of my life. I believe in miracles, I believe in God, and I have faith that I will get through this and grow old with Brian, and watch my baby girls grow up and have families of their own. I love you all , and Thank you for supporting me.

Chemotherapy. 2 days.....In 2 days I will have chemo. It is scary being pregnant and knowing that they will be pumping my body with chemicals that will help me and hurt me. I am trying to stay positive, because that is what will get me through. They are confident baby will be fine - and that comes first in my book !

I did something today that I never thought I would be doing at 34 years young, let alone pregnant.. I received a sacrament called  "Anointing of the sick"  Now being raised catholic, must of us who learned about this back in the 80's and earlier referred to it as the last rite . Sounds Scary huh? But My parents pastor, Father Brown, calmly explained to me that it is just for those dealing with health issues or even surgery. It can be given multiple times - I will be seeing him again before my surgery, I thought to myself......

It was very quick , and peaceful. I actually feel more calm. I even had him bless the baby, because she is fighting this battle with me.

If you I reading this, PLEASE take one moment out of your day to pray for me. Pray for a healing, a miracle, for strength. Pray for my sweet unborn baby. Pray for my husband and little Olivia. Pray for my family. 

We Thank You, and God Bless.