The bad, and the ugly...

I tried to update my blog weekly, or at least bi-weekly...But life has become so chaotic, I find myself overwhelmed with the baby, doctor appointments, and just day to day life.

I guess I will start with the  not so nice stuff and move up to the amazing parts of our life.  The Chemo has really started to affect me. My hair is mostly gone. It is a very hard thing to get used to , and was by far the most traumatic thing for me to encounter (other than the cancer diagnosis). I have also lost all of my long pretty eyelashes and half of my eyebrows. I have very short lashes now, which is quite an adjustment. I must say this has humbled me greatly. It has also weakened me. I guess having long hair and lush lashes were like a super-power to me in a way. I know one day they will be back, but right now I feel like a part of "me" is missing. I know now that beauty is beyond the things that we see on tv and in magazines....

I have good days and bad days. I recall my third chemo, the nurses insisted on giving us a room with a bed so that Brian and I could catch a nap. He was so sweet, while I was waiting to get my lab results to be cleared for chemo Brian  bought me Michelle Knights book (which I had hinted that I wanted to read) and a pretty butterfly bookmark to go with it. It gave me a small moment of happiness... As I lay there in the bed , getting this strong dose of chemo, Brian slept. And all I could think about was him, our life, our precious girls, and how I had stage 3 cancer. And I wept, silently. My heart was so consumed with fear and sadness and I had to let it out. Nobody saw it.... well God did . I had prayed to him. I was angry at him too. I feel this overwhelming bi-polarness every now and then. I have a lot of anger. I am dealing with it the best I can.

There are certain "close" family members who never picked up the phone or sent a card, or emailed me since my diagnosis in March. This really hurt and disgusts me. Family should be there for each other - even if you cannot stand to pick up a phone and offer condolences or warm words, an email would have sufficed, and shown that you at the very least addressed it and are thinking of me. 3 and a half months and not one word of support regarding my cancer. unfuckingbelievable. Yes , I totally dropped an   f - bomb on my blog. I am hurt . disgusted. and disappointed. I don't like excuses when it comes to serious things like this, and frankly if you can email me about an upcoming birthday party, or wish me a happy easter the least you could do is take 2 minutes out of your busy schedule to say "hey, I  am thinking of you. I am so sorry that you are enduring this nightmare. I don't know what else to say except for I love you. I am here for you ". I really do not think I am asking for a whole lot. There is a Kenny Chesney song "Find out who your friends are" Sucks when you can relate your family to this type of circumstance. When you hit rock bottom, you truly find out who really cares, because actions speak. I feel like I had to let this pain out, and believe me for the handful of people whom I had assumed would be there and weren't - There are so many lovely beautiful and caring ones who have been there.

The Chemo has been rough. I feel pretty sick , and to top it off I receive a shot a couple days after that makes me even sicker the the chemo itself . I can barely walk due to horrible bone and muscle pain (think the flu x 5). Thanks to my sister and mom for coming over at night to help with the baby those couple days! We really needed the help and you totally pulled through . It is not easy as a mother having to rely on others to care for your children , especially your 4 week old newborn. It is heartbreaking when I do not have the strength to hold my almost 2 year old, or go outside and play. I cry the most on days like these. Thankfully within a week or so I am back to *almost* me again.It is hard getting an hour or two of sleep here and there due to Sophia's schedule, but we are making it work. It is exhausting and tremendously stressful - but the moments I am holding her , watching her look up into mama's eyes make all of the lack of sleep worth it.

I received my last AC Chemo last week!

Now I have approximately 6 New type of chemo sessions to go ( through September), and then I get re-evaluated and they tell me what type of surgery I will be receiving. I have to have surgery because it spread to my lymph nodes.

So Now for the fun stuff ! Olivia is turning 2 soon, and Sophia had her newborn pictures. I feel that the pictures show the beauty and joy we have been seeing so her goes :

Hello World!!!!

Surprise ! Most of our family and friends were surprised to find out that I was induced into labor, and a Beautiful, little Sophia Rose Garvin entered the world on May 16, 2014 at 4:21 pm. She weighed in at a healthy 6 pounds 14 ounces, and  20 inches long.

After carefully weighing all options , I decided against putting my sweet little princess through another round of chemotherapy. I was told being induced ( a little less than 2 weeks early) would be totally safe for baby, and would get me back on track with the chemo treatments sooner. I went in to Southwest on Thursday night, and the pitocin (induction) started at around 8:45 am Friday morning. My amazing hubby picked me up some McDonalds for breakfast right before the induction. I thoroughly enjoyed my McMuffin and Mocha Frappe :)  We were fortunate enough to have auntie Lisa stay and watch Olivia (and Kitty) overnight. It was a super slow start, I was only dilated 1 and a half cm - for those of you who have not experienced childbirth, it's really not that much. While Brian went to go home and check in on Olivia and spend some time with her , I had started getting contractions. My  doctor checked me and I was only about 3 and a half centimeters, so she decided to break my water to try and make some progress. I was scared to get an epidural, but really needed one. My doctor told me that it was okay. I was in tears - because I did not want to get it too early and risk stressing baby out or needing a c- section. My doctor assured me everything would be okay. She was so reassuring and I trusted her with my baby's life , and mine after how amazing she has been throughout this whole pregnancy.

Thank GOD for Epidurals. 20 minutes later my pain was gone and I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of my labor.Brian had arrived while I got the epidural which was a good thing . . . .Because about an hour later, I told the nurse I felt pressure and pain and was concerned the epidural was wearing off. She checked me and told me to push a little bit. She looked up at me and said " Don't do that again ! You are ready to have a baby NOW . Let me call the doctor " All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness, and excitement. Two nurses started to wheel in carts and directly after was my doctor, grinning ear to ear , saying it was time for baby! I am not exaggerating when I say , I literally had her out in 2 pushes.  The first push was like deja vu from Olivia's delivery " Look at all of that hair!!!!!" my doctor exclaimed . Then, she was out the very next push.

It seemed like almost immediately she was in my arms laying on top of me. This tiny, beautiful, little miracle that I carried for 9 months was finally here. I feel that all babies are miracles, but Sophia is my little miracle. Not only was she part of me, but she went through my darkest, and saddest moments with me . She helped me through my biggest fears without even speaking to me or knowing how to comfort me ...She was just there. Her presence alone was enough. We all have guardian angels that watch over us and are AROUND us, But My Sweet Sophia was my guardian angel from WITHIN. She was the closest thing to my heart, and she understood what I was going through. My only regret is that she had to endure it . As her mama, all I want to do is protect her, and I did what I could given the circumstances. As the tears of joy flowed from my eyes, I looked at Brian . . . .He was mesmerized by our beautiful newborn girl. There is nothing more amazing than bringing a baby into this world with the one you love. And Love is what we have, and Love is what will get us through.

Right after she was born <3

Mama, Daddy, and Sophia minutes after she was born

Proud Daddy!

Mama and her Angel

Olivia's first time meeting her baby sister ! Her face is priceless!

She finally warmed up to Sophia

Cute hospital hat

Here are a few sneak peeks of hospital photos . . . . And we also had a newborn session when Sophia was 1 week old . Our friend Veronica (who did Olivia's stunning newborn pics) did a session with us again!

Love that little tongue sticking out

We did it my sweet girl.  .  .  . 

Our little Sweetheart

Busy , Busy.....

Things have been so busy. . . It seems like I have a million doctor appointments . . .  but  I am trying to have a sense of normalcy, and balance. I still sing to my little Olivia, and Dance like no one is watching just to let her know I am still Mama. I may be a little tired at times, but my goodness - this little girl is so full of love and joy. Some days she pats her hand on my shoulder, and kisses me over and over. It seems like she is trying to reassure me that everything is okay . She is the sweetest and most loving little girl I have ever encountered. She grabs my hand, and Brian's hand and tugs on them both until we are holding hands ~ then giggles and smiles. Her new thing is grabbing us by the shirt and pushing our heads to kiss...then giggling as soon as we smooch. It's such an innocent ,  genuine , and beautiful thing. I laugh and say to her ( really more for Brian and I to chuckle at )  " You know Olivia, one day you will think it is gross when Daddy and Mama kiss and hold hands "

Olivia is growing up so fast. She says a bunch of words and babbles on and on as if trying to form sentences. Much to our dismay, her choice word is  "NO" . It is inevitable that your toddler will learn this word , You can argue with me till you are out of breath - they will pick it up somewhere , even if you as a parent decide not to use it in your vocabulary.  Other than her sporadic use of no, she is a total sweetheart and impresses Brian and I every . single . day . with her wit and charm.

Before I post a bunch of recent pictures, I just wanted to take a moment to brag about how awesome one of my doctors is....She is my OB, and her name is Shirley. I do not want to disclose her last name due to privacy reasons - But let me tell you, this woman is amazing, and truly a gem . Even before I was diagnosed with cancer, she was always so sweet and kind. After I was diagnosed I thought she would be like any concerned doctor. But she went above and beyond. Her kind heart and nature have really touched my heart. It is not too often that you come across a doctor who is so concerned and devoted to their patient - in this case patients ;) She has listened to me babble on about a million things this pregnancy, and has reassured me everything will be okay. She has given me a sense of peace and I am confident in her, and the decisions that are taking place . She really seems like the only doctor who has listened to me as a woman and a mom - instead of a just a cancer patient. She understands that I am not the only one fighting this cancer, this sweet baby girl is also being affected.  Words cannot express how much it means to me, and I am truly blessed to have such a compassionate and lovely doctor taking care of me and my baby. Thank you!

We have had so many amazing people bring us dinner and send cards.  Brian's co-workers have reached out and shown us love and support too. It has touched our hearts and we will always remember the beautiful random acts of kindness given to us and our family through this battle. We are so lucky to have such fabulous people around us!!!

Easter basket sans Candy .....Toys are waaaay better!

Kitty being an Easter Creeper.....

The Easter Bunny left a trail for Olivia leading to her Basket

And Finally, our sweet little baby Garvin...She is doing well! She was estimated 6 pounds my last ultrasound. I am 37 weeks and she could make her debut any day now!

Maternity photos....Part 2