Bad Days....

We all have our bad days. Needless to say, this was one of the worst for me. I have lost count of the locks I have lost.  I wake up and look at a pillow with hair on it every day. That's my first sight. And I'm sick of it. My daughter can no longer playfully mess with my hair or lovingly put her hands on my head without ten or so strands coming out. I already miss those mommy and daughter moments..... No more feeling the wind blow through my hair, or throwing it back in a ponytail or clip. The worst was in the shower as I tried to gently wash what's left of it clump after clump coming out after me barely running my fingers through to rinse out the baby shampoo.

I know this isn't forever, but its going to be almost a year. Those little things I took for granted, I now realize I will be missing . I cannot explain how heartbreaking it was looking in the mirror after my shower, seeing bald spots. Grabbing a comb, to try and cover them up, only to lose another clump of hair in the process. So I cried. I felt like such a freak. How will my husband see me as beautiful any more? I can't bear to look at myself.

 I will, at some point get used to this - that I know. That being said, I must be in some sort of control. So my hairdresser is coming over to buzz the remainder of my hair off. I will no longer let these strands of hair make me cry. I am not going to let the anger and sadness consume me. I have to be a good role model for Olivia. When things start to push you down , you can either let it hurt you, or RISE ABOVE.  I choose to RISE ABOVE!  I'm not saying I will not have moments of weakness, or sadness, or anger. But I will not let those moments linger any longer than they have to.

 I posted a song on my facebook a few days ago..... I love this song because it so beautifully represents me, and my battle.

 Here are the lyrics:

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it

I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Just a little human

I can take so much
Until I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=r5yaoMjaAmE

part 2 ....updates

Well, I made the decision to cut (almost) all of my hair off. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But is nothing in comparison to what lies ahead....My lovely hairdresser Rachel came to us (bless her heart) so that I would be more comfortable during this emotional process. She is seriously one of the most lovely people I know!

So here is the finished product:

It has been a week since my new cut, and the inevitable is happening. I am losing my hair. I am glad it is not long 10 inch strands covering my pillow, or in the shower.....It is very, very hard for me. I am scared to even brush or style it at this point, because I know that a bunch of strands will come out, even just running my fingers through it.

I have my second round of chemo tomorrow. In a way, it is symbolic to me being on "Good Friday". I think of how Jesus suffered, and know that he will be with me especially on this day. I am still scared to go. I know I have done it once before, but I still feel sick just thinking about it. The past few days have been rough because I know that things are getting harder. I still think that every tear that I cry, makes me a little stronger. By the time this whole ordeal is over, I will be pretty bad ass!

We had another pretty day, It was 70 Degrees out this past Saturday, then 76 degrees on Sunday!

Nikki got me my first edible arrangement, It was yummy and I loved the message attached!!!:

Sunday we went outside with Olivia and enjoyed the nice warm weather for a bit!

Family Time...and other news!

With Brian being off work more often, we have gotten to finally spend some family time together. It has been wonderful! We went to to the park, and also our dear friend took some photos of us at the Botanical Garden. I wanted some family pictures before the new baby came, and before my hair was gone too. I will share those pictures when we get them.

We have had a couple pretty days, and took Olivia to the park. One day in particular we snapped a few pictures and I wanted to share. Normally we would walk to the park and walk around for an hour or so, marveling at Olivia's reaction to dogs and birds etc.... This time was a bit different for me. Being 7+ months pregnant , I have been getting braxton hicks contractions. Throw in the chemotherapy on top, and I was pretty tired after ten minutes of walking. I told Brian to go ahead and walk around for a while , and I would hang out on the bench and enjoy the pretty view. My heart ached not being able to walk with him and Olivia. As I walked to the bench, tears in my eyes, I talked to God :  This hurts, I want to be with them walking. Please let me get better. I don't mind sitting on the bench this season, but Please Lord , Let me come back - healthy, new, and better than ever .  I stared at a small pond in the distance. The breeze hit the water and it sparkled and glistened as the sunlight hit it.  Beautiful.  I cried so hard, and it felt kind of good to release some of the feelings I had been holding inside. Hell, I am crying right now as I type this. I swear I see the smallest things that I never noticed before. To say I have an even better appreciation for the little things in life ,  is an understatement. Brian and Olivia came back and Brian wanted to snap a few pics of Olivia with me on the bench. I felt peaceful and loved watching her look at the birds and nature around us.