Confessions...

I don't have a diary, or a journal. Just thoughts. They come and go, and I think way too much sometimes.

It has been a hell of week, a hell of a month and a half, really. So here I am , about to get all serious and emotional. It is awkward for me . But I feel like I have to do it for myself, and maybe even for others. First and foremost, I know that like any tribulation in life, nobody will understand what I am going through unless they, themself have lived through the exact same circumstance that I have...... People have said things to me that have been helpful, and there are others who have said things that did nothing but frustrate me, or make things harder. I try and tell myself "they are just trying to help" and I know that they mean well. Others have said nothing at all, which frankly hurts the most.

On Friday March 7th, (at 7 months pregnant), I went in for a double biopsy of my breast, and lymph node. There were a couple of "suspicious masses" found on my left breast, and another on my lymph node under my arm. I will be honest, I was okay with the whole breast mass finding because I am pregnant, and my body is going through so much right now. When they said lymph node, it kind of shocked me.  So when the words "suspicious", "lymph node" and "biopsy" were used in a sentence....It scared me.

The doctor was very nice. I knew this was not normal, a pregnant woman getting a biopsy. He called a colleague in to look at the ultrasound before the procedures. The 2 nurses, and doctors said it looked like it could be just an inflammation of the milk ducts, as the milk is already coming in for baby. He felt confident that if he could drain some fluid samples, and the fluid looked good (the right color) that a biopsy may not be needed. So he injected me with lidocaine, then tried to aspirate some fluid. I felt a shooting pain and it got worse each time he tried to pull some fluid. He looked disappointed, and said I am sorry Mrs.Garvin, but I cannot pull any fluid, I cannot try any further, we will have to proceed with the biopsies. I will spare most of the details, but when the doctor took 3 samples from my breast tissue, I felt a stabbing , burning pain that was so awful I do not even know how to describe. My stomach was so cramped up, and tears were flowing. It hurt, and it was constant. I told the Dr and he had to finish the breast biopsy, I had to rough it out. I thought I was going to be numb, I thought I would feel pressure or discomfort. This was horrible. I was so embarrassed, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain  -  but this was bad. I sobbed because I knew my little baby inside of me felt some kind of stress. This wasn't fair to her. I received another round of lidocaine shots to my underarm by the lymph node. Luckily it was not as painful as the breast biopsy - But I had a constant pain and burning in my breast anyway. When it was over the doctor said I was brave, and he was sorry  had to endure this.I apologized for the twelfth time about crying, and the doctor and nurses joked and said what crying.....I didn't see any crying.... and it made me crack a smile of relief and leave with feeling a little better. They understood. they were sympathetic. They knew how hurt and embarrassed I was, and they felt for me.

My doctor prescribed percocet for me. I HATE taking any kind of medicine while pregnant, even tylenol. So this was a big deal. I was told every 4 hours, I think I may have taken 2 in one day but that was it. The pain was horrible. My breast and underarm were bruised and bloody. I could not lift my 20 month old daughter. I had to wait til Thursday for biopsy results..... almost a whole week I have to sit and think...

The pain was way deeper than physical over the next few days. Saturday was the worst. I had been thinking. I was in my daughters room. She was giggling, smiling, and kissing me. Of all things - that is what made me sob. My heart hurt. I thought to myself  "what if"? What if I never get to see this beautiful smile grow ? What if I miss this little girl grow up? The kisses , the smiles, the hugs? They are what I LIVE for. I just met her less than 2 years ago. I just started a beautiful life with Brian. This should not be something I have to even think about. What about this new baby? I haven't even held her tiny little hand, kissed her forehead or rocked her to sleep. "What IF"??????Why am I thinking about this?  Because I do not know.
Because it is a possibility. Because even a small chance that I may have the "C" word scares me. Being pregnant and going through this is so hard to explain. My emotions are all over. And I cannot control how I feel.

72 hours......within 72 hours I will know what the results are. This is pure torture. I am praying for the best and just want to know. I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally. I am drained and hoping that I will have good news . Please Pray, that is all I have right now. 

Hello 3rd Trimester!

I cannot believe that I am in the third trimester......

This pregnancy has been pretty rough, all around. The first 4 months I was plagued with Hyperemesis Gravidarum also known as severe morning sickness, lost 10 pounds, and felt like I would never be able to eat normally again. I had to go to the ER for dehydration, and was so scared for my baby's well being. Luckily baby was okay, and by taking a daily zophran I was able to *usually* make it through the day without throwing up. Slowly but surely - I was feeling better ! I got rid of a few negative people in my life too, which was a huge bonus for me! Stress was not needed, and was certainly unhealthy for my baby and me. I only want good people around me, ones who enrich my life and are positive. The people around you should be a reflection of who you are, your morals, and who you want to be around.

That being said, the ones who *are* in my life have been a great support to me in my latest challenge. The ones who have called, came to visit, and actually been there and offered words of encouragement  - those are the people I cherish most. My Breast Biopsies are scheduled for this Friday. I am nervous, but I know that I am in God's hands and whatever he has in store for me is the path that I must take.

On a happy and positive note I am excited that in just 3 short months, we will meet our little princess!
She is approximately 3+ pounds, and 14 inches long. She is kicking up a storm too.

Olivia is starting to realize that somethings going on. I recently did something I swore I would never do...I purchased 2 adorable matching outfits for her and the new baby for this summer. I showed her both , and at first she was completely floored. She looked at me like I was crazy. But every morning, she pats my belly, pulls my shirt up, giggles, and says baby! So I know she is starting to grasp the concept that soon enough there will be another little person here.

Our crazy little lady

Aunt Lisa got her a "Blue " doll, and made clues too!

Loving her Books

Lunch Meeting / Engagement shoot

Well, as some of you may or may not know - I have a passion for taking photos.....

I have played around with my new camera ever since Olivia was born , and have gotten some awesome photos. Back in October 2013 My friend Heather's little sister Natalie got engaged. I know how much they cost - so I told her to tell her sis I would do some engagement photos, edit and put on a disk. Natalie called me and said sure - I was super excited , as I practically watched her grow from a little girl, to a mommy and soon to be wife <3 I felt honored.

We went to a local park and Natalie , her soon to be Husband, and daughter all were part of the photos! Heather kept dodging the camera - or I would have gotten her too !!! We met up for lunch and chatted about everything , and it just inspired me to share the engagement shoot on my blog :)

Here are some highlights :

Colleen Garvin 2013 © all rights reserved

Snowflakes and Smooches!

It has been a long week. I blame a lot of this feeling on the weather! It seems as soon as one snowstorm is over, another one jumps in. Just this past Sunday, I had a familiar (and horrifying) episode of Deja Vu. I was driving to the IX Center to work the one shift this month I had scheduled for work. I nearly got into a car accident. It was horrifying being 6+ months pregnant and watching your car fishtail , just like the 2 vehicles in front of you, followed by a red Mazda spinning out of control inches in front of you. I was only going about 45 mph, the Mazda appeared to be going around 70!  The Mazda slammed into an SUV that was in the "original" accident (which was partially in the lane that I was in). Something was there with me that morning, and I know that God had sent an angel to guide me and my unborn baby safely. My whole body was trembling, even my teeth were chattering. I was truly blessed to be spared, to be able to leave without any harm. What a beautiful thing it was to come home to my husband and sweet Olivia that night. I kissed them and hugged them a little tighter.


Olivia has been really affectionate lately, and as any Mama ~ I LOVE it! She has been kissing me .... over and over again! It is so sweet to see this side of her. I love when she kisses me and then immediately leans in for several more smooches......She also is starting to understand I have a little baby growing in my belly (I am guessing because it is growing larger) . She will rub my belly, smile and say "baby" . Sometimes she will rest her head on my belly and wrap her arm around me and just smile. It is such a precious moment!

I recently came across a quote online and made a sweet little picture - I want to have this printed out for Olivia and the new baby and frame it :

How Beautiful is this?!

Valentine's Day was so sweet. It sucked that Brian had to work the evening , but we made the morning and afternoon special....We got Olivia a card and some toy trucks! I had noticed at a recent play date that she loved the toy cars and airplanes, so Brian picked up a small set . She absolutely loved them and played with them all day. She calls pretty much any vehicle a "car" which is cute.