Forgiveness. Struggles of the Heart.

Life . It is unpredictable....

 Happiness. Sadness. Hurt. Promises. Friendship. Betrayal. Lies. Truths.

Lately, my struggle has been forgiveness. When you trust and love people, and they hurt you so deeply - How do you forgive. I want to, I really do. But sometimes the damage is so beyond repair.

The things said are echoing over and over in my mind. Like a knife stabbing me over and over again. My chest hurts from surgery, but underneath the scars - are deeper ones. My heart, is also scarred.

When trust is broken, you question everything - and I have a horrible habit of shutting down and walking away when I am hurt. This time, I completely shut down. It was not even a year ago when one person started lying, and a horrific domino effect of lies affected our life. I wonder if she knows the aftermath of her emotional instability? So many people affected, from one loose canon.

Then while we were moving to our new home, I received one of the ugliest and disgusting text messages from a separate person.It hurt because it wasn't true. Not one word of it. In her words " Everybody " agreed with her. But in reality "Everybody" was a couple of people who were mad at me and venting to her out of raw emotional anger. She was just angry because I deleted her from facebook, weeks before, along with everyone else who had hurt me. Her words were vile, hateful, and just plain mean. Just like her. She has a reputation for doing this to people. She hasn't changed - not one bit. Sad.

And not one person came to me and asked me...Is this True? Did you say this? UNTIL the damage was done. My Family is still hurt. I confided in the wrong people. Instead of being compassionate, and listening they gossiped with each other. They mocked me . Said I was pulling the "cancer card". Said they were tired of me complaining about my side effects from Chemo etc.....Rather than coming to see me - they made excuses about being busy. Bashed me publicly. Said I was using them? The list goes on and on.

How? How can you do these things to someone, someone you call a friend, who is going through this? Too busy to be there. Wow. Not me, it's not how I am

I was bullied into apologizing. It was the very FIRST time in my life I apologized - and it was NOT genuine. I didn't mean it. I did not want to do it. But, at the time I was concerned about our living arrangements. I had 2 babies and was still feeling very sick from treatments and after effects of chemo. I was concerned that we would be told to leave with only a short time to find a home. We were rock bottom, no money, my husband working everyday. I did it out of love for my family.
I am disgusted with myself for apologizing. And even more disgusted that the people whom I thought genuinely cared - treated me the way that they did.

I lost friendships that I thought were lifelong. I lost respect for others, after being bashed online over and over while having cancer treatments and radiation. My heart had fluid surrounding it from the herceptin treatments.  I was alone. And my family during the lowest point in our life, was humiliated.  And all because I said that I felt alone, which I was.

Through all of this, not one person called me to say are you okay? Do you need a friend?
 I cried in pain. I cried from fear every time I went to radiation, the eerie buzzing and my burned skin blistering. I cried, worried about the damage to my heart from the herceptin. I cried from the IV needles being jammed up my veins every 3 weeks. On top of that, I cried of loneliness .I was Physically ill and Emotionally battered.

So, after all of this where do I go? I feel that the answer is clear. If someone is capable of hurting you when you are going through tragedy, and at the lowest point in life  - You CAN and SHOULD walk away. I have meditated, and prayed on it for almost a year now. One thing that hasn't changed, How hurt that I am. Deeply Hurt.

Yes, I forgive you. I will remember the good memories, although they are overshadowed by the dark, ugly ones. I wish I could be more accepting and just forget it all....but it haunts me. torments me.

Goodbye.